+Friday, February 24, 2006+
Nothing new. Still waiting. Dates still dancing around like unattainable goals.

I hate to say it because it'll sound the way I don't mean it to, but I'm really not excited. I don't mean I'm not thrilled that Matt's coming home - because I am - but as I'm sure those of you who've been through a homecoming and those who're close know (and as those of you just starting a deployment will know in a few months time), it's really draining to get amped up over what-ifs and ever-changing dates. I hate the word "tentative."

When we were about 2 months out from reunion, I was unstoppable - I cleaned every nook and cranny, I alphabetized our DVDs, I reorganized our linen closet; I even pulled out our washing machine and dryer and scrubbed the floor underneath and behind them. I felt rushed, like I didn't have enough time to get the house in tip top condition for Matt's return. Now that there's not a trace of grime on the grout between the tiles nor a speck of dust to be found on any surface in the house, I feel as though I have too much time.

I've started to push my physical limits in my daily workouts so that I can burn the excess energy that continues to follow me around in the absence of things to clean and inundation of time to kill. It's perhaps quite masochistic, but I find that I love waking up with sore muscles in the morning. I feel invigorated (hurts so good), and it masks the emotional pain of waiting. Not to mention I feel healthier than I have in a long time, but that's just a bonus.

When I'm not overly exerting myself, I'm hanging out on the other end of the spectrum as a TV zombie. On any given night after a stimulating work out, I can be found sprawled on a couch, drooling mindlessly on a couch pillow, and utterly absorbed in the fictional and nonfictional lives of others. I consider it a blessing that American Idol is on three nights for the next few weeks, and since the cancellation of of my favorite show Reunion I've recently become enthralled with House. I bought the first season on DVD to "catch up" on everything I've missed, and sadly, you now know my plans for the entire weekend. I'm a Fox junkie.

My days have started to merge into each other - each one is exactly like the one before it. For the past year, I've forced myself to maintain normalcy. I've fought the urge to never leave my house and never answer the phone for anyone other than Matt, and I'm glad of it, too, because, well, a watched pot never boils, but with the end taunting me from a not-too-distant position, I've completely and willingly succumbed to waiting. I leave the house for work, groceries, and a select few VIPs, though I much prefer it if they come to visit me rather than vice versa, but other than that, I implement our immense DVD collection for my entertainment and thoroughly enjoy being "pathetic." I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I'm not being antisocial, I'm being solitary, and I am a person who enjoys her solitude, so in reality, I can't think of a better way to "hang in there" for these last few weeks.

I have, however, ceased to care about the day I'm waiting for. I know it'll be in March, and I've accepted that's all I will know for the time being. When push comes to shove, we've been apart for nearly 415 days now, so whether we're waiting 10 more days or 25, it's really not going to make much of a difference. In a lot of ways it seems silly to me how much I've been fussing over 20 days after all we've been through. I've come to terms with my feelings of perplexity through superfluous workouts and allowing myself to wait.


wishing matt was here @ 2:22 PM+
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