+Thursday, January 05, 2006+
Well. My hiatus didn't last very long. Honestly, the way I was feeling when I made my post last week was that I'd probably feel up to blogging again around mid-January, but the truth of the matter is, I missed it, and this particular date was not one that I could just let pass unnoticed (well, that and I was really dying to see "January 2006" show up in my archive list).

Matt always jokes that when I resolve to do something, I always change my mind or give up within a matter of days (sometimes weeks, but not usually). It doesn't sound very encouraging, but it's true - he knows me so well! When I talked to him yesterday and told him that one of my Christmas gifts to myself (yes, there was more than one) was an exercise bike - albeit cliche, getting healthy is one of my resolutions - he started laughing and said, "I'm going to have to make room for it in the garage, aren't I?" Now I'm going to try my hardest to use the thing in spite of him, but well, truth be told, he's most likely right...Apparently staying away from my blog was one of those things I just couldn't stick to. By Tuesday, I literally felt like I was forcing myself to stay away from it. I thought talking about the deployment was only making it worse, but when I realized that ALL I wanted to talk about was the deployment and that talking to my friends about it was more exasperating than helpful, well, I'm sure you can figure it out from there...LOL. So I'm back from my leave of absence that ended up not being any longer than the time between any of my other posts.

My New Years was very nice; I'd even go so far as to say, "just what the doctor ordered." A few months ago, I'd promised my friend A that I'd spend it with her (she diligently insisted that I not spend the New Year alone). A few weeks before the New Year, my friend H asked me to come spend the holiday with her in her small town 2 and a half hours away. I told her I'd already promised the day to A, she got a little upset, and then went into full detail about all I'd be missing by not going out there for the New Year, which, as it turns out, was just one of those drunken spats nostalgic of high school parties and just about the last thing in the world I'd want to do on New Years anyway. I feel I've outgrown "keggers." If I have to go to a party, I prefer the cocktail genre where no one yells, "chug chug chug," everyone is of legal age, and the hosts don't even have the materials to make a beer bong. It seems even more inappropriate in the absence of Matt, and in the cranky mood I was in last week, I spared H no details in explaining this to her. I think I basically called her immature, and in retrospect, I feel a little bad about it...

As it turns out, I spent my New Years exactly as A didn't want me to - alone. On the 30th of December it started raining and it didn't stop for about 24 hours until most of downton Reno was pretty flooded. The city had to cancel the big downtown New Year's Eve hoopla, but in actuality, it probably saved the lives of a few people by preventing a few drunken celebrators from getting behind the wheel of a car. Because of its location, my house was spared any flood damage, but the weather was less than desirable for venturing out of the house and A lives all the way on the other end of town. So I stayed home and celebrated with my dog and cats; I watched movies till 11:45 and then tuned in to Dick Clark to watch the ball drop. At midnight I couldn't help but get a little choked up because this is the year that Matt comes home!! I stood outside in the freezing cold for about 10 minutes watching my neighbors blow off fireworks, and then I turned in. Better yet, I was able to wake up early Sunday morning and go spend some of my Christmas gift certificates, completely avoiding any crowds as I'm sure 80% of the city was sleeping off their hangovers. The whole weekend was ideal, and exactly what I needed - my head feels clearer, I feel calmer and more relaxed (and less inclined to rip the heads off of people who incessantly ask me if the year's gone by fast, though yesterday I did cut into a friend who told me the next 2 months should "fly by").

With the deployment winding down, things have become very homecoming oriented. Our FRG is having a reunion brief in a couple weeks and the word "reunion" has motivated me to attend despite having absolutely nothing to do with the FRG for the last 10 months. Homecoming is pretty much all Matt and I talk about anymore - we exhange piddly small talk about what's new, but more often than not, I can't hardly even remember how my day went because my mind is so clouded over with the thoughts that this really is almost over. I was so forlorn in the beginning, so convinced that the end would never come, it's almost surreal in some ways now to think that it really is only a matter of weeks before Matt will be home for good. And I'm sure I've talked about it enough that I don't need to reiterate the significance of today: One year! Not just a mere milemarker - a damn big one! A year ago today at this exact moment, I was lying in bed sobbing my poor broken heart out, wondering how in the world I was going to make it through the next year of my life without the most important person in it. But I did, and as agonizing as the road in front of me appeared exactly one year ago, I've emerged unscathed and as in love as ever. It's not over yet, but regardless of how rough the road will get over the next couple months until I reach that bright beacon of light, being in Matt's arms again - this time for good - at least it's all downhill from here.

wishing matt was here @ 10:45 AM+

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