+Thursday, January 26, 2006+
I'm so impossibly tired. My skin is sallow and dull, make-up is hiding the bags under my eyes, my eyes are bloodshot and it's taking every ounce of my being to keep them open this last half hour or so I have left of work. I have never in my life suffered from such a serious case of insomnia, but I don't care. I feel exhaused, but I'm in a great mood - Matt will be home in 43 days or less!! It seems nothing can bring me down!

Last night I vowed to go to bed super early (when I say "super early," I mean, 9 p.m. after American Idol was over, of course). I was sure I'd have no trouble falling asleep either - I was dragging my feet down the hallway, my eyelids were heavy, I felt I might experience a sudden onset of narcolepsy and fall asleep right there in the hall. After laboring through my bedtime rituals (brush and floss teeth, wash face, etc etc), I literally crashed into bed prepared for the best night sleep I'd had in a while (the night before Matt had called at 4 a.m. and we talked till 5; after we hung up I should have just gotten out of bed and started to get ready for work since my alarm goes off at 6 a.m. anyway. Instead I decided to go back to sleep and ended up hitting snooze until 7:20.....I have to leave for work at 7:30).

Unfortunately, I didn't immediately reach sleep nirvana like I'd hoped. My mind did what it's made a habit of doing every night the second my head touches the pillow: Matt's coming home soon! Oh it'll be so nice when he's laying here next to me. Oooooohh wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding. Matt's coming home and we're getting married! I wonder what I'll say for my toast at the rehearsal dinner. Gee, I'd really like to give a speech at the reception too. Gosh! Why don't I just mentally write out my entire speech for both the reception AND the rehearsal dinner RIGHT NOW!! And so it continues to race (I did mentally complete both speeches, incase you were curious) until finally I fell asleep somewhere around 1 a.m. Matt called around 4:30, and to avoid being 20 minutes late to work two days in a row, I forced myself to stay partially awake till 6:45ish when I grudgingly made myself get out of bed.

In all honesty, I'm a little astonished at my adamantine good mood. It would appear that there's really not much that can bring me down - even a few weeks' worth accumulation of sleep deprivation. I wish there was someway to effectively clear my mind at night so I can fall asleep at a decent hour, but with so much excitement overflowing my mental brim, well, I suppose I should be thanking my lucky stars that sleep deprivation is all I'm suffering from (as opposed to a complete loss of sanity).

One of my coworkers today asked me what was wrong with me - apparently no amount of make-up can cover up my tired skin, and damn those pesky blood shot eyes!! I explained the excitement of Matt coming home, the racing mind trying to comprehend how real it is, and therefore, the inevitable lack of sleep. The response I got was something along the lines of, "You're already excited? It's like 2 months away." OKAY. FIRST of all, it's a month and a half not two months (yes, those 2 weeks DO make a difference). Second of all, after the nearly 13 months of this deployment that I have thusfar endured, I think I'm fully entitled and absolutely validated in getting excited a month and a half out. If they think I'm bad a month and a half out, wait till I'm a week away - really, I can't even fathom how I'll be. A month and a half away from homecoming is merely the beginning of the end. Tonight I'm going to go to bed as soon as I get home in hopes of getting at least 10 hours of sleep before Matt's early morning call. I could sure use it for my wellbeing (and it'll probably come in handy for my sanity later on, too)!!

wishing matt was here @ 4:22 PM+

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