+Tuesday, December 27, 2005+
Christmas was good. Not great, mind you (it certainly could've been made a thousand times better by the presence of Matt), but all things considered, it was good.

I woke up this morning with a vaguely familiar feeling weighing down on my chest and suddenly felt like having a good long cry. Can it be possible that I still have 2 more months to go without Matt? It just seems so unfair. Apart from pictures and home videos, it's been nearly 7 months since I've seen his face. Seven months since I felt his arms around me, was able to kiss him, cuddle up and watch a movie with him, come home to him after a long day at work. I miss him so much and this morning when I woke up, I felt different, like I'd reached a point where I was physically exhausted from waiting, from missing him. I love Matt with an ardor I never knew possible; when my friends say they feel badly for me because I've had to endure all this time without Matt, I think it's actually I who should feel bad for them because they don't know what it's like to have a love that's worth waiting over a year for. I've reached a brick wall in this deployment, and I'm just sick and tired of everything. I'm tired of talking about the deployment, I'm sick of doing things that remind me that regardless of how bright that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel may be becoming, it's still not a train screaching to a stop at the station. 60-some days is nothing compared to what I've thusfar endured, but when I woke up this morning and felt what I felt, it suddenly dawned on me what all the military wives before me meant when they said the end is the hardest.

I don't want to write him anymore, I don't want to talk to him on the phone to hear his voice from a far away place; I don't want to carefully pack the usual items in my biweekly care packages for him, and I think I may slug the next person who asks me if the year has gone by fast. I don't know if the year has gone by fast - the answer I feel now is NO because the freaking year STILL isn't over, and come next Thursday when it IS, I still have about 2 months left to go. From January 5, 2005 to January 5, 2006, I've seen Matt a total of 19 days. For what will be 14 months away from him, I haven't even had a full month WITH him. I'm so very tired; I don't want to do anything - I just want MATT. I'm going to be taking a brief hiatus from my blog - it could end up being only for a couple weeks, it could be for a month. Hell, it's even possible I won't update again till he's home, but I apologize to my faithful readers, and hope you'll bear with me during this time. My stage of impatience has hit rock bottom, and I feel I really have nothing worthwhile to post about during this time, but I will come back (though I don't know when), and hope you'll all still be here when I do!! Thank you all for your continued support; I truly appreciate the influx of emails I've received from others in my same situation, from people who have no military ties and just want to let me know that Matt and I are in their prayers, and emails that are just friendly chit chat from other military wives and girlfriends. You have all helped me in some way, and I owe a debt of gratitude to each and everyone of you!

wishing matt was here @ 1:26 PM+

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