+Tuesday, November 22, 2005+
Today is it - double digits! It's so hard to believe that we're so close to the end of this, that in 3 months (and 9 days) or less, Matt will be home, our lives will resume "as usual," and all this will be behind us...

As I was turning out the lights in the living room last night and getting ready for bed, I was suddenly struck with this feeling...It's been 6 months since my roommate moved out and I've been alone in the house, but it was like, last night it hit me for the first time how quiet the house is, how big it is for one person, how solitary I've been lately because it's how I want to be. It'll be weird to have Matt back. I still wake up some mornings and lay in bed questioning what my motivation to get out of bed that day is, yet I've become so accustomed to waking alone, it's hard to fathom the feelings I'll have when I no longer have to do it.

Now, toward the end, I go home every evening after work or class and watch TV, have a glass of wine, unwind. Miss Matt (it's a part of the daily routine). I wonder if this is totally pathetic, but on the other hand, I don't really care if it is. I've been social during this deployment, I've made new friends and strengthened old friendships, but now I don't want to do it anymore. Now I'm so close to seeing him I just want to wait. I've been so irascible for a while now - some of my friends have driven me to the point where I literally need a break from them. Sometimes I just let the phone ring (if I know it's not Matt). I pass my friends off on voicemail because I know if I talk to them I'll either tune out because I don't care or get obscenely upset because I care too much.

There's only one friend who I've been able to deal with lately; I think it's because her brother is in the army - on some level she knows what I'm going through and knows how to deal with my moods. She's the only one who doesn't throw a fit when I say, "To be honest, I kind of just feel like sitting by the phone and waiting for Matt to call tonight." Instead of screaming that I never go out and stomping her feet like a spoiled baby, she'll bring me dinner and keep me company for a while. She's the only one I haven't had to walk away from to avoid a dispute because she's the only one who hasn't pushed all my buttons. I don't know what to make of myself during this time - it's like the beginning of the deployment except instead of being sad and lonely, I'm just incredibly unpleasant and irritable. I just want to be left alone. Why is this?

Matt called last night and we talked more about our favorite subject - his homecoming. I told him I wished it were tomorrow that he was coming home. He laughed and said that I've been wishing it were tomorrow for nearly 11 months now, which is true. I've been praying since January 5 to wake up one day and have it miraculously be March 2006. I've been impatient the entire deployment, but now that we're so close, it's even worse. My impatience in the deployment is constantly affecting my mood day to day, but I'm going to keep on wishing his homecoming were tomorrow...one day soon the wish will come true :) Soon it will be tomorrow.

Anyway, I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!! Say a prayer and a "thank-you" for the thousands of soldiers and their families who are spending the holidays apart this year. God bless our troops!

wishing matt was here @ 2:49 PM+

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