+Thursday, September 22, 2005+
I feel a little bit like I've been neglecting updating with any real updates, mainly because my life has fallen into a routine of monotony. Since school started, everything has been a constant go go go. Every day is exactly like the day before it - Monday is like Tuesday, Tuesday is like Wednesday, and so on and so forth. The only way I differentiate the days is by class and "my" TV shows, and even those feel to me like a means to an end.

I can't get out of bed in the mornings, and I think that this schedule of mine is mostly to blame. Every morning I lay in bed and debate calling in to work. Every. Single. Morning. For like the past month. And it's not because I don't want to go to work or because I didn't get enough sleep, but because the drudgery of another day - another clone of the day before - is just so unappealing to me. I've tried everything - getting more sleep, getting less sleep, getting exactly 8 hours of sleep, waking up to my buzzer alarm, waking up to music, waking up to talk shows, falling asleep to music, falling asleep to TV, falling asleep to silence. It's apparent that my sleep habits are not to blame for my inability to drag my ass out of bed every morning. I wonder if I'm depressed. But I don't FEEL depressed; I just feel......bored. There's nothing to inspire me, nothing to get me excited about kicking off another day. I've taken up some hobbies, I've made new friends, I go out, I'm doing great in school; it's not literally like I'm doing the same exact thing day after day, but most of the time I feel detached. Like I said before, it feels like a means to an end, and "bored" is the perfect word for it. Or perhaps, "indifferent."

Matt's been gone for just about 9 months now with approximately 5 months left to go, and I'm down right sick of this deployment. I'm sick of having to stay busy to force myself to forget how lonely I am. I'm sick of going home to an empty house at the end of the day. I'm sick of waking up without feeling Matt curled up against me. I realize there's little I can do to assuage these feelings, but I've gotten myself into focusing all my energies in Matt coming home - in absolutely everything I do - and I'm not quite sure how I got into this rut, so I'm not quite sure how to get out of it!! I'm not sad. Just tired.

My birthday weekend was a good time (since the damn thing fell on a Monday this year, I decided to claim the whole weekend prior as "mine"). A few of mine and Matt's friends took me out on Friday for a night of gambling and drunken debauchery (gotta love Nevada...trust me, you've never seen gambling at its finest till you've visited Nevada where a bar without video poker is an anomaly and where every single grocery store has slot machines - yes, even Wal-Mart and convenience stores like 7-11). It's possible (and very likely) that I had a little too much to drink, but well, the fact of the matter is I haven't gotten good and plowed for a looong time so perhaps it was overdue, and I hardly ever gamble (it would be a detriment to gamble often and live in Nevada), but I lost $20 to stupid scamming slot machines. When I got home, my cell phone was beeping at me that I'd missed a call. From Matt. ARGH!!! Since he's been in Afghanistan I haven't missed a single call from him - not one. There goes my track record. And the great thing about it is the brat actually laughed about it. Here I am, absolutely devastated that I missed his call 'cause I didn't hear my cell phone ring, and his voice mail says, "hahahaha You finally missed a call from me!" Bless his heart, he called me first thing the next morning because he knew how torn up I'd be over it.

On Saturday, Matt's parents and sister came into town, and my parents and I took them around Tahoe to show them the spots we'd scouted out for the rehearsal dinner and the reception. We officially booked both spots on Monday, and while the reception isn't going to be where we had originally planned on having it, it is in a spot that, in my opinion, is way better. My mom was a little disappointed that I didn't pick her number one spot and had, on more than one occassion on Saturday, to be reminded that this is mine and Matt's wedding, not her's. I'm trying really hard not to morph into the infamous "bridezilla." I know exactly how I want my wedding to be - there's not a single question mark in my mind about how things should be - but at the same time, I'm trying to implement everyone's ideas, some of which are way off base with what I have in mind, and this is proving to be a difficult and strenuous task full of compromises and headaches. I threw out the idea of barbecued food for the rehearsal dinner because I bought a gorgeous red gown for the occassion with something more elegant in mind than a rib cookoff; I felt terrible brushing the idea off with such nonchalance because it was Matt's parents idea and they are the ones paying for the rehearsal dinner. Thankfully Matt's mom has been more than understanding, which I know is a trait that not all girls can be so grateful as to have found in their future mother-in-law. I am letting Matt's sister design my center pieces for me - I have no doubts she'll think up something fantastic - and I feel that's an okay compromise for basically pushing the barbecue idea out the door without a second thought. Involving everyone without sacrificing details of your dream wedding is easier said than done!! Ultimately though, everyone's happiness is more important to me than achieving perfection, and it is just a wedding, which is far less important than the marriage which will follow.

On Monday, my actual birthday, I went to work and school. Good times. I got to talk to Matt about three times (he called at midnight, the first to "officially" wish me a happy birthday). His birthday gift to me - what he sent me in the mail that arrived a few days before my birthday, not the roses pictured - was very simple, but is incomparably the best gift I've ever received. Guys who can give to a girl what Matt gave me on my birthday - from the other side of the world, no less - are truly rare gems. What did he give me? Why, tears of utter and complete joy, of course :) He also had flowers delivered to my office on the day of my birthday. I took a picture of them as they were the most enormous roses I've ever see (to give you an idea of how big they are, my computer monitor which you can vaguely see on the right side of the photo is a 19" monitor. Granted, anything will look bigger when you're closer to it, but those roses were only about a foot and a half in front of the monitor). The blooms were huge - bigger than my fist!

Matt called me on Tuesday night to let me know he's arrived safely at the FOB he'll be spending the next month or so on. He was supposed to go there last Monday (the 12th), but there's the army for ya - hurry up and wait, right? I miss him so much, it's insane. By the time I hang up the phone with him, my palm is sopping wet from gripping the phone so tightly, like he can somehow detect through the phone how tightly I'm holding on to "him." I have a relationship with my phone LOL. His voice comes out of it, I might as well just name it Matt 2!! I can't wait till the day when I can talk to him without a delay, to his face instead of through a phone; when I don't have to sit down and break my wrist writing him a letter and can instead just tell him about my day. It seems so close, and yet so far.....

For the past couple days I've been recalling one of my Matt memories that I'm particularly fond of - begrudgingly waking up one morning, neither of us just dying to go into work, we decided to play hooky and stay home together. We cuddled up in bed all morning, took our dog for a walk in the afternoon, spent the entire day together, separated from the toils of every day life, totally in love and totally oblivious to the existence of anyone other than us. That's what I miss most, the days where we wanted nothing to do with anyone else other than each other. The days we'd let the answering machine pick up the phone, the days we'd be completely enthralled in each other, the days where all that matters is that he loves me and I love him. I can't wait till March. It's not possible that it could get here soon enough.

wishing matt was here @ 1:47 PM+

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