+Thursday, August 25, 2005+
I've been posting a lot in August 'cause I'm not sure I'll have much time to once school starts on Monday. I can't help but feeling I've totally overloaded my plate in a very successful effort to stay busy as all living hell. When I'm not at work or in class, I'll be doing homework or planning my wedding. Screw breathing and sleep - it's all just a means to an end. LOL. Everyone copes with deployments differently; my way, apparently, is morphing into supergirl and eliminating any and all free time. I'm wondering now if this really isn't such a great idea?

When I got home from work yesterday there was a message on the machine that one of my classes was cancelled for the semester. For a few hours, I took it as a sign, but after dwelling on it for too long at work today, I refilled the time with another class. The thought of having nothing to do on Tuesday nights absolutely horrified me, and instead of taking into consideration that maybe having one night a week for me IS a good idea, I was more concerned with my goal of keeping insanely busy. I'm starting to wonder now if I should drop the class. My intuition is screaming at me that I should and more than once today my cursor has lingered over the link to drop the class despite the fact that just today I added it. I haven't yet though; I have till Tuesday to decide whether or not I want to, and I suppose it's never a bad idea to "sleep on it."

I started painting my guest bedroom yesterday, all the while cursing our stupid jerk of a roommate who ever thought it might be a nice idea to paint all 4 walls dark, dark green. He might as well just have painted it BLACK! Honestly. It appears I'll have to slap on another coat of primer today before I can even paint on the color I bought - "Polar White." It's mostly white with just the tiniest hint of a powdery blue hue. Currently the walls look like white painted over dark green. Go figure. By the time this is all said and done, that poor wall will have about 7 coats of paint on it. Regardless, it's fun. It seems silly to me that when Matt comes home the house will look entirely different than the house he left. He says it'll be "our little dream home." I love him so much for appeasing me.

He'd called me yesterday morning as I was heading off to work, but the connection was so terrible we didn't talk long and he said he'd try to call back that night. I hate it when I'm anticipating phone calls from him - he never "promises" he'll call, just says he'll try, but nonetheless, I get my hopes up to hear from him. Whenever I tell him to call back soon and he asks when, I tell him to surprise me; anticipating his phone calls gets me bouncing off walls and it's direly disappointing when he doesn't call me when he says he will. Not his fault, I know. I know everytime an hour he's said he'd call has passed and he hasn't, he feels just as awful for being unable to call me as I do for not receiving the call.

Needless to say he didn't call last night during his "usual" time, so I curled up in bed with my book and fell asleep. I know he'll call when he can; sometimes I detest how indifferent I've become to this whole situation. I'm not talking about Matt's absence - I miss him like all hell - but I hate that I'm so "used" to things that only a few months ago would've had me bawling - him not being able to call when he said he would, bad connections, dropped phone calls. It's all just a part of the deployment package, and I've gotten to the point where I'm not only used to it, I expect it. I thank God when we get a clear connection and can talk uninhibited for the allotted amount of time Matt's allowed. I feel terrible when I have to continually yell "WHAT?" into his ear because the sound of static drowns out his distant voice.

A little past midnight, the phone rang and I knew it was him - not just because of the caller ID, but because no one in their right mind in the states would call me at that hour. I think I must be a sight when I get Matt's late night calls. I sleep with one of those satin "sleep masks" (it's not a beauty sleep thing, but because I honestly cannot fall asleep if there's even the tiniest bit of light - this includes digital alarm clocks and the little clock on the face of my DVD recorder...unless I have a nightmare, but that's a different story). The first ring gets me wide awake - nothing can wake a person up faster than a call from the other side of the world. I push up my mask and fumble for the phone in the dark. The second ring I turn on the reading lamp next to the bed to make sure I hit the right button when I answer the phone (I've hit the wrong one before, and trust me, it's traumatizing to accidently hang up on a call you've been waiting so long for. And yes, there is a "wrong" button on my cordless phone. It's high tech).

The first thing he does whenever he calls me at an outlandish hour is apologize for waking me up. Oh my God baby, I love you! It's so cute that he thinks I'd actually care, like one day I'm going to say, "GOOD! You should be sorry! I was fast asleep you &#(*&!" and hang up on him. I crave being woken up by his phone calls. Granted, it's tough to fall asleep after them because I'm floating around on such a natural high, but who cares? I'd stay awake for weeks if it had to do with talking with Matt. :-) He was on his lunch so we had a little while to talk, and praise God, it was a crystal clear connection, an ENORMOUS relief as it's literally been about 3 weeks since we've had a good connection.

There's always a few brief moments after a phone call when I forget how much I miss him. I simply hug the phone to my chest (this must be a psychological thing) and grin and feeling nothing but this immense love; I reminisce on what we said, on how he sounded, and immediately start looking forward to the next time I get to talk to him. I measure my weeks by his phone calls - the entire duration of the deployment thusfar has been measured on a time line of one phone call to the next. They're what remind me that somewhere out there he's thinking of me and missing me and loving me as much as I am him.

His sister came out last weekend for a day to spend some time with me and my friend H. She's older than me by just about 2 and a half years, and I was actually a little nervous about hanging out with her! I've never gotten the chance to "get to know" Matt's sister because every time I was with her I was also with Matt or Matt's parents. I somehow always got the feeling that she was constantly judging me - looking out for the best interest of her little bro. Hanging out with her this past weekend was a blast though. I was actually really surprised at what a great time I had (not that I thought I'd have a terrible time, but you never really know what to expect in these situations).

This weekend I'm heading up to Tahoe to start throwing wedding planning into full force. We've officially booked the church for August 5 though the priest wouldn't let me have the ceremony at 11 a.m. like I had hoped because it's not one of the times he'll perform weddings, but I suppose I can't complain too much as I'm not only getting married at just about the most beautiful church in the world, but it's in freaking Lake Tahoe (there's huge bay windows behind the alter that overlook the lake). Perhaps the only place that rivals its beauty is Alaska....

My mom's going to take me around and show me a few places she's scouted at as potential sites for the rehearsal dinner though ultimately the deciding factor in that resides with Matt's parents. I'll be meeting the priest who's going to perform our mass (though my mom and I have been parishioners at this church since I was just a wee little girl, they recently had a new priest come in in July and I haven't had the chance to meet him yet - all my prior correspondence had been with the priest that was there before). I also get to go through all my old baby photos (for a storybook slideshow I'm making of Matt and I from when we were little babies to current) and go over with my mom what I've pretty much settled on for the invitations - oh, sure there's a possibility I'll change my mind, but I doubt it. I just ADORE these invites. I love that the wedding is less than a year away now!! I could hear Matt smiling over the phone last night when I was updating him on everything - it thrills me that it makes him happy that I'm so happy. I know he doesn't really care one way or the other as is typical with grooms, but once again, I just love him to death for appeasing me. LOL.

Sometimes I get a little distracted when I think about wedding planning because currently the date of Matt's homecoming is so much more important to me than that of August 5, but I suppose on the same note, keeping busy with wedding planning is what will seemingly get me to that homecoming date faster! Just about 6 more months baby!!! We're finally in the homestretch......

wishing matt was here @ 4:15 PM+

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