+Monday, August 15, 2005+
I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I slept like crap last night as vivid and grotesque nightmares have lately become a regular occurrence. I woke up around 3 a.m. last night and though I couldn't remember exactly what had happened in the dream, I had broken out in a cold sweat and my heart was racing at an alarming rate - I slept with Matt's dim reading light on for the rest of the night. Next thing you know I'll be checking my closet for the Boogeyman; you'd think I'd have outgrown the whole "afraid of the dark after a nightmare" thing years ago, but apparently this isn't the case. In the beginning of the deployment when I'd have a bad dream, I'd mindlessly still reach out in search of Matt and feel my heart break all over again when I came up empty handed. I know better now, but it doesn't put my mind at ease after a brutal dream.

Dreams aren't very common for me, my sleep is usually just a black void. I've had people claim that we always dream, every night, it's just a matter of whether or not we remember them in the morning. I find that when I dream, I at least have a vague recollection of it - I always wake up tired when my mind's been apparently active, and I haven't had a single "good" dream since Matt left, only nightmares that make no sense and seem to have no common ground, if I can remember them at all. If it's true that dreams are a reflection of what's in the deep recesses of your mind, I must have a lot inner turmoil going on that I'm unaware of - I just want these dreams to go away. I can't decipher what they could possibly mean because I can never remember what exactly they entailed - only that they struck enough fear in me that sleeping in the dark seemed utterly unappealing when normally I can't fall asleep except for in pitch black conditions. They don't happen nightly, but lately they've been happening frequently enough to make me wonder where they're coming from?

My weekend was relatively uneventful. On Saturday my dad came down to help me hang shelves as a part of my redecoration project; we went out to lunch afterward, and I spent the remainder of the afternoon watching TV inbetween writing thank-you notes from my bridal shower. I had 39 to write and didn't finish until yesterday, but thank God they're finally done - I can't imagine what I'm going to do after the ceremony when we'll have over 100 to write. Matt, honey....::evil grin::...don't think for a second you'll get out of helping me write those.

I had planned on repainting the guest bedroom this weekend - a past roommate painted all 4 walls the most hideous dark, dark green, and I hate the room because of it. It feels like a dark, dank dungeon; I don't even like going in it, and I had planned on painting in a nice cool shade of light blue - basically white with just a hint of blue - but upon discovering that it's going to take a lot more than just a layer of paint to cover that icky green, I've decided to hold off on that project for a little while. I put a lot of time into the house this weekend, and my energy was absolutely drained from decorating by Sunday. I plopped down on the couch and went from decorating to watching other people decorate on my new favorite channel, HGTV. I need to submit an application to one of those designer shows, save myself the hassle and have an expert do it for me LOL. Nonetheless, the house is starting to look excellent. I'll post pictures when it's done, which I'm hoping should be within the next few weeks. Thusfar, the living room and kitchen are nearly done, the guest bathroom is completely finished, and I haven't even started the master bathroom.

On Sunday I went garage saling and antiquing with my friend K in hopes of finding some thrown out knick knacks that would make a good addition to my decor - namely I'm looking for some cute end tables to use as nightstands in what will become the guest bedroom (but is currently a green dungeon with a bare mattress). My search was relatively unsuccesful - I only came home with some silk flowers to put in a pretty ceramic bowl I got at my bridal shower.

I finished reading "The Count of Monte Cristo" on Friday (it was one of many books that Matt bought on his leave and asked me to ship to him, but this one stayed behind as I desperately wanted to read it because I vaguely remembered enjoying the movie when Matt made me watch it). In celebration of the completed novel, I also watched the movie, and I have to say, this movie is based on Alexandre Dumas' book? Really? Most of the characters' names are the same and the plot is the same basic idea of revenge, but the similarities end there. The end of the movie is, well, very Hollywood. The book's ending is not. And it's not just the end where the differences are glaringly obvious. Regardless, I still love the movie. I regret that I read the abridged version of this book - I was actually really sad when I finished reading it because I wished it could go on forever, and I plan on rereading the unabridged version just as soon as I finish my latest venture (Leo Tolstoy's "War and Peace"). I would suggest "The Count of Monte Cristo" to anyone and everyone - especially if you're a sucker for classic literature from the late 19th/early 20th century such as myself. I envision the late 1800s as a very romantic era and sometimes wonder if I wasn't born in the wrong century LOL.

Classes start in 2 weeks and I'm VERY excited - school seems to have taken on new meaning now that I've firmly decided on receiving my AA in finance (officially called "accounting technology")...it's relevant to my current job (I work in the accounting department), but it'll be a great benefit when Matt starts his business a few years after getting back from good ol' Afghanistan. I ordered my text books today (I've found that ordering them on the internet for in-store pickup is much more convenient than battling the crowds), and they cost me a whopping $389.57. YIKES! And I'm only taking 9 credits...it troubles me how expensive text books are getting - how in the world do unemployed full time students do it?!? The kicker is that when I sell them back at the end of the semester, I'll probably only get $20 - $30 for them, if they take them back at all!!! It's sad that the cost of a post-high school education has become this obscene, but I guess that it weeds out those who really want it and those who do not.

Anyway, August 29th couldn't possibly come soon enough - I'm more than eager to rid myself of all the free time I've had at my disposal during the summer months. The deployment moved much faster for me when I kept busy, and though it's possible - and very likely - that I've loaded more on my plate than is humanly possible, my Virgo tendencies drive me at subhuman levels on occasion. Everyone deals with deployments differently - my way is by filling up every second of my time. In this deployment, free time is an enemy.

Well, if anyone knows something about sleep patterns or dreaming, I'd love to hear your theories on my nightmares - especially if you possibly have a remedy for getting rid of them! I yearn for a good night's sleep!!

wishing matt was here @ 2:55 PM+

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