+Monday, May 02, 2005+
If weeks had personality disorders, last week surely would've been bipolar (warning: this is a ranting post). It seemed pretty customary that all week my days started out great, but ended terribly. After saying he probably wouldn't be able to call for about a month, I got to talk to Matt every morning last week, and it was fantastic - undoubtedly the reason my days started out so fabulously. He said he missed me too much not to make time in his busy days this month to call me. Is it any wonder why I love this man so damn much?!?

Monday wasn't so bad; it was Tuesday that everything began to tangle itself into a great big web of drama. I had reached the end of my rope with my supposed "best" friend and maid of honor, Amanda. If you've been reading my blog since day one (including back into my old blog), you know things have always been kind of rocky with Amanda and I. One day she'll be just the most wonderful friend a girl could have, and then suddenly I'll go a month without hearing from her. All my phone calls will go unreturned, and when I finally do get a hold of her, if twist her arm enough, I can get her to come out. But of course, she'll bring her boyfriend so I can revel in being the Dateless Wonder. Nothing more fun than being a third wheel and basically having it rubbed in my face that my fiance is gone for the next 10 months.

Prior to last week, I'd gone out to dinner with her and her boyfriend, and after that, had approximately 6 calls go unreturned. Yes, I get it, she's busy. But so am I. I find it difficult to believe it's that tough for her to take the 5 minutes out of her day it takes to return a phone call, so after leaving a menacing voice mail on her phone that this was getting a little ridiculous, I called my friend H - my friend who always calls me back and makes time to see me despite the fact that she lives over 2 hours away unlike Amanda who lives in the same city as me - and asked her to be my maid of honor because the truth of the matter is, she really does deserve it more. How can I plan things with my maid of honor if I can't even get her to return a damn phone call?? It doesn't even have to do with my wedding - it has to do with being a good friend, and never returning my phone calls unless it's convenient for her and only hanging out when she can bring her boyfriend along doesn't qualify in my mind as a "good friend."

I explained the situation to H and told her that when and if Amanda calls me back and I talked to her about my hang ups with how good of a friend she's been as of late, I might have 2 maids of honor pending how it went. I saw nothing wrong with this - I know it's terible etiquette to "revoke" someone's title in a bridal party, but there's no rules about having 2 maids of honor, and okay, I'll admit her inconsistency in returning phone calls had me worrying about her being the sole person planning bridal shower and bachelorette party. It couldn't hurt to have 2 people working to plan those, right?

Amanda called me on Tuesday to say that she'd lost her cell phone and that she was out of town all week anyway. I felt pretty bad for how angry I'd let myself get over her not calling back when she did have a legitimate excuse for not calling, yet that didn't much hinder my decision in asking H to be my maid of honor. After all, it wasn't like my decision was based on this one particular week of unreturned phone calls. It was based on many, many weeks of her shenanigans. Amanda invited me to dinner for Wednesday night, and I happily accepted because not only do I never get to see her, but it gave me the perfect opportunity to talk to her in person about my qualms.

No sooner had I hung up the phone with her than I wrote a text message to H that it looks like I might be having 2 maids of honor. I didn't text it to H though. I accidently sent it to Amanda, and how I managed to do something this stupid still escapes me. Nonetheless, I shrugged it off. I was talking to her about it on Wednesday anyway, and it's not like she can honestly think she's been the friend of the year. She admits often that she's a "bad friend" and never returns phone calls - I really didn't think it would be that egregious of a surprise to her. I immediately sent her a text that I was an idiot and we'd talk more in depth about it when I came over for dinner the following night.

She didn't text me back. When I talked to her on Wednesday to see if we were still on for dinner, she basically all but told me to F off, and that we aren't as "good of friends" as she thought we were. This irked me. I don't know how good of friends she thought we were since I'm the only one making any effort to maintain this friendship, but lately I've had a difficult time considering her a friend period. Friends are friends ALWAYS. If she wants to be a "sometimes" friend, she can be an acquaintance and not have to deal with the apparent hassle of returning my calls. I wrote her a brutally honest email in regards to just how "good of friends" I consider us, what exactly the definition of a friend is to me, how I feel about her boyfriend always coming along for our "girls" nights, among other things that needed to be said.

I full-heartedly admitted that I can understand why she's upset, and that I was wrong in rashly deciding to add on another maid of honor without consulting her first, but she hasn't made any effort to respond to my email or call me since Wednesday, so I'm led to believe that she must think she's done nothing wrong, that suddenly this is all MY fault. Either that or she's being extremely pig-headed and, in my opinion, blowing this way out of proportion. Currently I've reached the point where frankly, I don't give a damn (excuse the "Gone With the Wind" reference). If she wants to be this way, it's no skin off my back - now things are just the way they always have been for the past year or so except now I don't have to worry about making all this effort for a friend who won't call me back. I didn't lose a friend, I lost an obligation, and as terrible as that sounds, it's great insight into the relationship we had (or rather, didn't have). It was a poor decision on my part to ask her to be my maid of honor in the first place, and this can be a lesson to all girls who promised their best friend from high school that she could be the maid of honor in her wedding. You don't have to follow through with that promise especially if you've grown apart so much!!

After stressing out so much about this, things started to look up on Thursday. I was still upset about everything that had happened, still confused about exactly how I should feel about what happened with Amanda and I, but just before noon I got the prettiest hydrangaes delivered to me. They were from my office for secretary's week, and it hadn't even really occurred to me that it was secretary's week, so I was flattered that they had done something for me. Later that afternoon, I got a dozen roses delivered to me from Matt just 'cause he's the most amazing man ever. Flowers delivered to me twice in one day!!! It's hard to be in a bad mood when that happens, and even harder for that bad mood to stick around when your desk looks and smells like a beautiful and colorful garden.

When I talked to Matt on Friday (and thanked him for my beautiful roses!!), he begrudgingly informed me that the army had spoiled our plans once again by moving his R&R leave from October to May (as in the month we're currently in). Why they decided to push it up 5 months instead of to a month like September or August which is closer to October and therefore makes more sense is beyond me. Here I was worried that we wouldn't get the dates we wanted in October, and now we're not even getting the freaking MONTH we wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that I'll be seeing him at the end of this month, beginning of next month, but this "minor" change has affected a lot: one of the major reasons we were planning on October was because it spaced the deployment apart nicely - we'd go 7 months and then 5 months without seeing each other. As of today, Matt hasn't even been in Afghanistan 2 months which means now we have to do 3 months and then 9 months. There's nothing convenient about that at all. 9 months is a long time, and part of what I was banking on in this deployment was that the longest I'd have to go without seeing Matt was 7 months. This change has also completely nixed our plans to spend Matt's R&R in Germany - the other reason we were waiting till October was because it gave us more than enough time to save up plenty of money and figure out plans. We now have neither the time nor the means to plan a trip to Germany, so Matt has pretty much no choice but to come home. Instead of Germany, I've been working out a fun trip to L.A. so we can go to Disneyland, Universal Studios, etc etc (after all, L.A. is only an 8 hour drive from Reno which saves us plane ticket money and the cost of renting a car), and that trip will definitely be a blast, but I know we'd both really been looking forward to Germany (not to mention I know Matt isn't too excited about the 18 hour flight home on a cargo plane). I should be used to it by now - since the beginning of this deployment the army has consistently ruined any plans we had - but when stuff like this happens, it still never fails to infuriate me. Well, after this the only thing the army can bend and twist and change anymore is Matt's homecoming date, and I have some solace in knowing that unless he's extended (which right now seems extremely unlikely), it'll at least be in the vicinity of next March. Why must the army make everything so much more complicated than it has to be?

Right after work on Friday, I left for Winnemucca to spend the weekend with my friend H. Depending on how fast you're driving, Winnemucca's about a 2 and a half hour drive out of Reno, but it is, without question, probably one of the prettiest drives ever. Not to mention after my week, I couldn't wait to get out of town for the weekend. I love Nevada, and spending the weekend in a town as pretty as Winnemucca reaffirmed this to me.

On Saturday we had to attend a funeral for H's friend's sister, and due to the circumstances of the death, it was a very sad, very touching funeral. I felt a little awkward going since I didn't know the deceased and had only met H's friend once before, but I could tell that she really appreciated me being there for her during that time and that was enough for me. After the funeral, we drove up to the top of Winnemucca mountain - down one side of the mountain you can see the small postcard town of Winnemucca, on the other is miles and miles and miles of untouched landscape and it is truly awe inspring. There is nothing more beautiful or breathtaking than the vast valleys and mountain ranges of northern Nevada that stretch forever without any trace that man has ever been there or ever will be there. I couldn't do it justice by describing it, and the grainy pictures I took with my cell phone don't do much more than dwarf majestic mountains.

I'm going to see Jimmy Eat World and Taking Back Sunday on Wednesday with H and am so excited. I love Jimmy Eat World - they're definitely way up there on my list of favorite bands, and I'm smitten to get the chance to see them live. If Matt's leave must be pushed up 5 months, it's at least nice to know I have enough to keep me busy so that May will seem like it's just flying by. Oh, army, you and I sure have had our share of differences, haven't we? Such are the ways of the army.

wishing matt was here @ 4:03 PM+

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