+Monday, April 04, 2005+
Ah, the beginning of another week. Not to make it sound like a good thing since I hate Mondays with a blinding passion. HATE them. It haunts me that I must deal with 52 of them a year. Nonetheless, I do enjoy getting into a new week. A new week means that it's only a matter of days before I'll hear from Matt again. A new week means I'm one week closer to getting to see him.

Much to my dismay, this Monday got off to pretty much the same start as last Monday. The only difference was my roommate was home, and I slept great last night - the unmotivated feeling that's bogging me down today isn't because of a restless sleep; it's because it's Monday. And I hate Mondays. I stayed up till 11 - way past my bedtime - to watch Grey's Anatomy with my friend H, and didn't wake up until 7:18 when my pesky little prince of a kitty stuck his head in his food bag and filled my room with that annoying crinkling paper bag sound. I yelled obscenities at him across the room for a while before his persistence paid off and I dragged my ass out of bed only to look at the clock and do a double take. 7:18? REALLY? Oh $&#*. I suppose instead of shouting profane language and my cat, I should be thanking him. Were it not for that awful crinkling sound, I probably would've just kept right on sleeping. Daylight Savings never fails to mess up my internal clock.

Last week was boring. Not going to class after work gave the week the appearance of moving at a mind-numbingly slow pace, and it's probably the reason I haven't posted for a week - nothing interesting has happened. Matt called me Wednesday morning as I was getting into work and as always, it was so wonderful to hear from him. I was able to tell him about my trip to see his family, but that was about all I had to talk to him about - last week was just THAT boring. It seems like such an awful thing for a college student to be saying about spring break, but I've pretty much moved past the dude-let's-go-drink-till-we-can't-stand phase of my life.

I did, however, get a new cell phone, which I suppose was the highlight of my week. I'm not only glad to finally have a camera phone, but it's my first flip phone as I've typically been a loyal consumer of Nokia (who doesn't necessarily have a plethora of flip phones). I downloaded hoards of ringers - made much more amusing by the fact that this phone plays the "real tone" music ringers - and set 3 Doors Down's "Here Without You" as my ringer for Matt since typically there's only one of two numbers that show up when he calls (if you have Real Player, you can listen to the song here or if not, you can check out Victoria's blog which has that song streaming on the page). I was also able to download Tetris onto the phone which makes it not just awesome in my book, but ultra super awesome (we'll disregard how tiny the screen is and how much it hurts my eyes to actually play the game on my phone).

My friend H came into Reno this weekend, and we basically spent every waking second together. I was grateful for the distraction as weekends are typically the hardest part of the week to get through. On Saturday we went and saw Robots and Sin City. Robots - GREAT movie! Sin City - hmm. I've never read the comics or graphic novels it's based on, so the violence and gore caught me a little off guard. I just went with my friends to see it because it "looked" cool; chances are had I known about the disembowelment, the beheading, and the apparent infatuation with shooting off men's penises, I probably wouldn't have gone to see it. That's not to say it was bad, per se. Just not my kind of movie.

I'm also quite grateful to have made it through April Fool's Day completely prank-free. I hate April Fool's Day. Almost as much as I hate Mondays. My mom used to play such awful jokes on me - seran wrap on the toilet, thin slices of paper slipped discreetly into my sandwich for lunch, the list goes on. Needless to say, this prankster's "holiday" was ruined for me at a young age. I don't enjoy being on the receiving end of a prank. I guess I'm just a poor sport, but I can't find the humor in a lot of these pranks. These days most of them strike me as flat out MEAN.

My friend H has something she calls her "Quote Book." It's merely a spiral notebook, the cover decorated with a collage of sayings clipped from magazines, and each page is adorned with her favorite quotes, stickers and more clippings, and every day quotes from her quirky friends. Of course it's not limited to just quotes - poems, stories, song lyrics, anything that meshes with the mood she's in when she's writing in it, and while it is "merely" a spiral notebook, it's been filled with so much thought and emotion, she's transformed it into something so much more amazing than just a spiral notebook.

She inspired me to start something similar of my own, but instead of being general and covering everything, it's going to be more of my "deployment book," a book for me to jot down sudden feelings and to log different personal things, where I can write something like a quote down if it gives me a feeling of strength or empowerment, or perhaps the lyrics to a song I hear that reminds me of Matt. As opposed to a journal - like this one - my "deployment book" will be more on a personal level, where I can put my thoughts in ways other than just words. Writing down quotes and songs, poems and stories truly is more of a way to record a feeling than just writing an entry in my journal. It'll also help to remind me every day of why I love Matt and just how damn much I love him. I've come across so many websites filled to the brim with suggestions on how to handle deployment, how to maintain your relationship over all those miles and all that stress, how to stay in love with someone whose voice you only get to hear once a week, if that. Well, this is my addition to the list of how tos, my own personal way of coping with deployment (and undoubtedly the best "how to" for ME).

I finally got my "Proudly Serving America" American Legion yard sign in the mail last week and have it proudly displayed in our front yard for the whole neighborhood to see. I'll have to take a picture of it so I can post it here and send that and photos of my car to Matt - I'm sure he needs reminders every now and then of how proud I am of him and how much support he has back home.

Tomorrow is the 3 month mark of Matt being away from home. There's a good 12 months ahead of us before he'll officially be back for good, but it's reassuring to me to be able to look back on the last 3 months and admit that they actually did go by pretty fast. While it's still insanely hard at times, I don't cry as often or nearly as randomly. My heart still aches a lot, but all the bad feelings and the tough times, they pass. I always get through them and come out stronger. I think I have my tenacity to thank for how well I've managed to deal so far (at least so it seems to me) - I've always been independent and stubborn and truly try not to let the hard times bring me down. This is temporary. Matt will be home.

I've been watching some of the women in my FRG slowly breaking down, and it saddens me that there seems to be nothing I can say to pull them away from the rut they'll inevitably let themselves fall into. One wife has claimed how she hasn't cleaned her house in weeks, how bills are piling up, and she hasn't even been able to bring herself to pay rent yet. I want to reach out to her and tell her it's not that bad, but what if it IS that bad for her? Perhaps because of my pig-headedness, I haven't allowed my sadness to interfer with my daily life and that which I've deemed as necessities - such as paying bills. I want to tell her that just as we're sad back here at home, our husbands and fiances miss us just the same while they're away, but regardless they have to get out of bed every day and do what they have to do, so those of us back at home have to maintain our strength. We, too, have to get out of bed every day and do what we have to do. But I don't know if those would be words of encouragement to her, or if they would seem hurtful, like I was accusing her that her way of coping is wrong.

I've taught myself quickly not to bank too much on things so far in the future - events that will take place next April have little to do with my life NOW. Time goes by much quicker if I look forward to things that are more feasible - like looking forward to my trip to my friend H's ranch at the end of April as opposed to simply waiting for Matt's homecoming NEXT April. How can I expect time to move right along if I'm hanging on to an uncertain date in 2006? So far this theory has worked out rather nicely for me. Plus I learned in a rush never to get my hopes up with anything when it comes to the army, to never "fall in love with a plan." Matt put in for his R&R in October, but since he could only put in for a relative time frame and not specific dates, our trip to Germany might not work; he might not have any choice but to come home for his leave. I don't think I'll jump to any conclusions for the time being; the important part is that I get to see Matt and where we go or what we do comes second to seeing each other. I would love a trip to Germany though. Not to mention if we went to Germany, I'd have Matt to myself for those 15 days - I wouldn't have to share him with anyone (boy, that sounds selfish...LOL).

wishing matt was here @ 4:01 PM+

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