+Tuesday, March 22, 2005+
When I woke up this morning, I got a little worried because I saw I had a missed call on my cell phone. Sometimes I sleep through my phone on nights when I'm dead tired; in fact, out of fear that I would ever sleep through a call from Matt, I set up a "sleep" profile with the most obnoxious ring turned up to the loudest volume. I recollected my phone waking me up, though, and hitting the "silent" button when I saw that it was just my friend H. I would've beat myself up over it if I'd slept through a call from Matt. In the past 2+ months, my cell phone and I have become inseparable.

I think I'd decided before I even woke up that I'm not going to go to class tonight. Bad, I know, but it's just one of those nights that I need for me. The Roommate's had a girlfriend in town visiting and what was supposed to be just a night or two turned into a week. Supposedly The Girl was leaving last night, but that didn't happen either - she was still sleeping on my couch when I left for work this morning. And it's not that I can't stand The Girl - she's polite enough and nice enough, I guess - but I feel like my house has been invaded. They were up till 2 in the morning on Sunday screaming across the living room to each other and thus proving that if things get loud enough, sandwiching your head between two pillows doesn't work very well. The Roommate works till 8 tonight, and I've decided that instead of going to class, I need to go direcly home after work and relish in the house being MINE at least for a few hours.

I ended up not going to visit my in-laws this weekend as planned. The first day of Spring here in Reno was preceded by snow and lots of it (actually, it rained in Reno, but it snowed in the mountains). The roads weren't closed, but my Jetta wasn't the right vehicle to make the journey. Chains were mandatory on all roads leaving the valley, and my dad called right before I left and being the overprotective loving father he is, basically forbade me from making that drive unless I took Matt's truck, which of course I couldn't because Matt's truck isn't currently insured or registered. It mopes in the garage and wonders why I only drive it up and down the street once a week. Even his truck misses him.

Instead, I'm going this weekend for Easter which incidentally will probably work out better anyway as Matt's grandma will be there. Matt's grandma adores Matt. It's no secret that he's the favorite, and while I'm certainly no substitute for Matt, I know she'll be happy to see me. His family was very understanding in my reasons for not going to see them - his mom was the one who initially called me and said that she'd heard the roads were bad and that I shouldn't feel obligated to come if I couldn't make it.

Friday night I went out with a few of Matt's friends and had a great time. There's something almost soothing about hanging out with Matt's friends - they're a boisterous bunch of guys, but I feel more connected to Matt around them. They treat me like "one of the guys" when I spend time with them, like I'm just Matt's fill-in for the next year. I suppose hypothetically "being" Matt is one way to feel closer! LOL.

I went by Best Buy on Saturday after the weather decided it wasn't going to let me go visit Matt's family and bought more DVDs. It's like a crutch now. I miss Matt and am sad about it, so instead of solving my depression by eating or smoking or drinking or however many other ways people cope with depression, I buy movies! I successfully managed to sit on my ass all day Saturday (like it was hard to accomplish...pssh).

I had an FRG meeting on Saturday that I wasn't going to be able to attend because I was going to be out of town, but after much debate, decided still not to go even though I hadn't gone to visit Matt's parents. I'd already told our FRG leader and the RDC that I wasn't going to be there, even met up with the RDC so I could get all the paperwork that they'd be handing out (and finally got the car magnet ribbons with our unit on them), so there really didn't seem much point to going. The RDC also gave me a stack of American Legion stars for myself and Matt's family, but I went a step further and bought a yard sign with one on it that says "Proudly Serving America."

I've officially upgraded myself from "Proud Military Fiance" to "Damn Proud Military Fiance." I have my "Proudly Serving America" yard sign; my car is equipped with a yellow "Support our Troops" bumper magnet, a magnet that says, "Half of my heart is in Afghanistan," our unit's magnet, and a license plate frame that says, "I love you Matt God bless our troops." Incase that wasn't enough, I also have a cute baby doll T-shirt and a mug that say "Half my heart is in Afghanistan" (if you're interested, you can find all sorts of cool stuff at HalfMyHeart.com - there's products that cover Iraq, Afghanistan, and Kuwait, so you're pretty much covered wherever your soldier is!). As soon as I get my license plate frame (I had to order it off the internet to get what I wanted engraved), I'm going to take a picture of our yard and my car to send to Matt so he never forgets just how loved he is!

I planned on going through Sunday as a sit-on-my-ass repeat of Saturday, but The Girl didn't want to go to work with The Roommate, and I didn't want to feel obligated to entertain her, so I left (I know, I'm so nice, huh?). It was rainy and dreary and cold, yet despite all this, I called up K (another fiance from my FRG) and we took our dogs to the marina. I spent most of the time griping about how cold I was because my dopey ass wore nothing more than a hooded sweatshirt when I should have been bundled up in my warmest winter gear, but I was still glad to get out of the house. Maybe sitting on my ass for 2 days in a row wasn't that good of an idea, and it was good to see K again - she's one of the only girls from the FRG that I've really been able to connect with so far, and even though I don't know her as well as my close girlfriends, she's so very much easier to talk to about this deployment since she's going through the same thing.

I wanted to share a new blog with everyone because it's the blog of a soldier who's also soon-to-be a part of TF Storm, and I was absolutely so smitten to finally have a blog from Afghanistan to read. You can check it out here, and there's also a link to it in my blogroll (A Storm in Afghanistan) so you can return often. :-)

I haven't talked to Matt since last Thursday, but I think I'm adjusting rather nicely to minimum amount of communication. I compensate by writing him lots of letters and making him videos; those are my connection to him, and they make me feel just as close to him as his phone calls do. I remind myself often that there's really no question of whether or not I can "make it." I will make it because I have to, because I love Matt and he's counting on me to be strong and supportive for him. We've both made a sacrafice for our great country, but he believes in the cause, and so do I. Sometimes you have to give more than you take.


wishing matt was here @ 2:45 PM+
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