+Monday, February 07, 2005+
I should be working right now. Working hard, too, as it were - just as soon as I get my inbox all cleared out, someone goes and stacks more paperwork in there. My desk is awry with "To-Do" post-its, and I've at least gotten so far as organizing things by priority, but I can't bring myself to do any of it. I'm so depressed today. Almost as bad as Day One. I just want to go curl up in a hole until Matt calls me; I'm at the point right now where I'm so bad I should probably request to go home early, but I know Matt has the day off and that he might call me at work. I'd hate to miss his call, and I know I can't just take days off work because I'm sad.

I didn't get to talk to him at all on Saturday and was actually quite proud of myself for how well I sucked it up. He called Sunday morning when I was getting ready to head over to my friend Amanda's to watch the Superbowl; apparently he'd gotten the flu on Saturday and was out all day throwing up. It wrenched my heart that he got sick and I couldn't be there to take care of him - I love to baby him when he's sick, and now he's on this wretched base away from home where there's nothing I can do about it.

The good news he brought on Sunday was that they had some tentative dates at the beginning of the March that they'd have off for families to come see them - not just a weekend, but FOUR days. WHOO!!!! I'm so happy about that, but I'm trying to avoid getting my hopes up out of fear that these dates will fall through like so often happens with the army. It's been hard to train myself not to get my hopes up. Matt told me he had the day off today and that we'd probably get to talk for most of the day, and here it is, only 1:30 in the afternoon, and I'm warding off tears because he hasn't called yet. I know something came up - he ended up not having the day off or whatever the case may be, but this is why I hate getting my hopes up. Nothing is ever sure with the army; I've found that most of the times I get my hopes up, I'm let down.

Our FRG meeting is tonight, so hopefully we'll get a little more light shed on the situation. I'm not about to book airline tickets unless someone hands me a concrete slab etched with the dates of their days off. Seriously. I'd hate for the army to get in any more jabs on my behalf. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I am now entirely convinced that my coworkers will be the death of me. They don't seem to get that I in no way find it funny to joke about how I feel about Matt's being gone. I was reluctant to leave for lunch today because I didn't want to miss Matt's call, yet I had to take a lunch break today so I could ship out my lovey CD and what not in order for Matt to get it by Valentine's Day.

As I was leaving, I stopped at the front desk to tell the receptionist (who is about in her 80s and very gabby) that if Matt called, he has very little time, and to please just tell him to call my cell phone. She says, "Oh, no sweetie, I think I'll just keep him on the line and say hello to him" and then starts making kissy faces. I know she means well, really I do. I know she's just trying to be funny and thinks she's lifting my spirits, but I just couldn't handle it today. I didn't have the patience nor was I in the mood, so instead of slamming my fist into this poor old lady's face like I really had the urge to do, I turned on my heel and ran out the door as fast as I could.

I was even more down in the dumps when I got back from lunch because my cell hadn't rang, so her jovial remarks had even more of an uplifting affect upon my return. Apparently she thought it would be a riot if she stopped by my office to let me know that Matt had called, and they'd had a really great conversation and that it had just "slipped her mind" to have him call my cell. Okay, not funny. Not. Funny. At all. I think this became crystal clear to her when I started crying over her thoughtless joke. Does no one understand that it really is the highlight of my day when he calls? I waved her away with my hand, a really rude gesture, I absolutely hate it when people do it to me, but it was all I could do. I was sobbing over the fact that I hadn't heard from him yet, and how she could possibly have even just an inkling that I would find that funny in any way. I didn't want her standing there watching me sob over her joke; God knows I didn't want her to feel BAD for me, but it couldn't hurt if she put a little more thought into the comments she makes to me. She had a bit of a shocked look on her face, and assured me that she was joking, that Matt really hadn't called, but by then that wasn't even the point.

I love my friends and family dearly, and my coworkers are great people, too (though I wouldn't go so far as saying I love them). I know they mean well when they tease me and ask if I'm okay or if I want to talk about it, and it's really difficult for me to explain that to them when all I seem to be able to do lately is snap at them. I know I seem painfully ungrateful when all I can do is make snide remarks that they have NO idea what I'm going through and to just leave me alone, but I really do appreciate how much they care for me.

To my friends and family and those of you who talk to me occasionally in hopes of cheering me up (with the exception of my military wives because I know if I ever do any of these with you, you really will understand why), please allow me to give you a few pointers on handling the many moods this deployment has brought me.

First of all, please please PLEASE don't take it personally when I snap at you, tell you that you have no idea how I feel, that you couldn't possibly console me, etc etc. I love that you think you can help me and it's really sweet of you to show concern for my wellbeing and follow up on "how I'm doing," but the truth of the matter is, it doesn't help. I don't say it to be a bitch, but unless you've had to endure the most important person in your life going away for a long ass time into a war zone where there's people who want to kill him, you really don't know what I'm going through. Though you may know what it's like to be lonely and really miss someone and have your heart ache endlessly when you go home to house devoid of the one you love, fall asleep every night in an empty bed, and wake up alone, I really don't want to hear about it. I'm sorry, I know those of you who do this mean well, but I really don't want your empathy. The only people I care to have empathize with me are other military wives. I don't do this to exclude you from my life; I do it to avoid saying awful moody things that will make me seem like a horrid ungrateful bitch and will inevitably hurt your feelings (they've hurt everyone's feelings so far). Please don't take it personally, and I do find it reassuring that you care so much about me.

As for "how I'm doing," here's my generic answer so you can avoid ever having to ask this question again (and therefore help me avoid the temptation to say, "How the hell do you think I'm doing?"): I'm sad. I miss Matt a whole hell of a lot. I cry a lot, and most of the time when I seem happy it's because I'm just being strong for Matt. I have good days and bad and as for "how I'm doing," well, I'm getting along.

Second, when I'm crying and you want to console me (this is mainly for those friends who often stumble upon me when I'm crying or call me at inopportune times), if I say I just need to be alone to cry it out, it means I just need to be alone to cry it out. Don't ask me what's wrong. Please. You know what's wrong. Sometimes talking about it only makes it worse; sometimes I really do just want to sob my heart out and feel sorry for myself. If you really want to help, the best thing you can do is just walk away. Don't tell me that "talking about it" will make me feel better. Don't tell me that I'm "balling up my feelings" by not talking about it. Please don't dictate to me what you qualify as "emotionally unhealthy." Please. Just don't. I'm grieving in my own personal way, and though it may seem stand-offish that I just want to be left alone to cry, I assure you this is the best thing for ME. When I want to talk about it, when I need to have that interaction, I'll come seek you out, but if I'm sitting alone crying, it's becasue I want to be sitting alone crying.

Last but most certainly not least, I am not "too" depressed. My mental wellbeing is not "unstable." It's terribly offensive to me that anyone would even think this, and I hardly see how any one of my friends has the qualifications to comment on my mental stability. Just because I cry a lot and am sad a good deal of the time does not mean I need to get help. It means I miss my fiance!! Please don't ever tell me to get over it, move on, quit dwelling, or anything similar. Don't make fun of me for how excited I get when Matt calls, and don't roll your eyes at me when I put everything else on hold because he calls. I don't find it funny in any way to joke about when and if he calls, so please just avoid being deragatory in anyway over my behavior when Matt calls - it really is the highlight of my day, and I fail to see how that's funny.

Please know that I DO appreciate your love and support though at times it might not appear that way. I know a lot of this will come across as selfish and rude, but really I'm writing this out for you, my friends and family, so you can avoid getting your feelings hurt over something I said in a moody moment because I do feel awful when I say mean things.

In other, brighter news, I've got
Cherry from the Web Diva's who's going to start whipping up a new look for my blog soon, so keep your eye out for a new and improved look within the coming weeks. I'm excited about it, and I figured it would be well worth it to get a snazzy look for my blog. I'll update hopefully tomorrow if I find out anything at my FRG meeting.

wishing matt was here @ 3:18 PM+

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