+Monday, February 21, 2005+
My weekend was uneventful and drab. H didn't end up coming out to Reno, so I was forced to spend the weekend all by my lonesome though she did call me at 2 in the morning on Sunday to let me know that she was drunk and that she loved me. My friends...what a bunch.

Much to my utter amazement Amanda called me on Saturday - I figured it must be because her and The Asshole had another fight or broke up again since those are the only times she calls me, and I was close in my assumption. She called me to tell me that for the next month she was "going to be alone, too." Her boyfriend is going away for 28 days to a drug and rehabilitation center in Arizona.

She thinks that things'll change once he's off the dope, but from what I know of him, I have a hard time believing that his life is that influenced by alcohol or drugs; in my short life I've dealt with many drug addicts and many alcoholics. Her boyfriend is only 21 and is a far cry from being even close in comparison to that which defines having a problem - going out and partying on the weekends and indulging occasionally in weed doesn't mean you have a problem. It means you're a college student. Perhaps a little therapy will help this "problem," but I don't think it'll prevent him from being a jerk. I know I'm just getting my feet wet in the field of psychology, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that drugs and alcohol are not the base of this guy's problems. I could diagnose him right now: partying college student, too immature for a really serious relationship. I bet 90% of us could've fit that description at one point in our lives. I love Amanda dearly, but I think this has gotten way out of hand. I think she just needs to accept that this isn't the right guy for her.

She called me up yesterday bawling her eyes out that she missed him so much and she doesn't know how I do this. I bit my tongue to bite the sarcasm that was ready to start rolling. This is my best friend, my maid of honor, and if she needs a shoulder to cry on, it's my duty to supply it regardless of how crappy a friend she's been or how atrocious it seems that she would call ME to cry about her boyfriend being gone for a measely month. She even apologized for her audacity, but I let her cry and assured her that the first week is by far the worst and that a month isn't really as long as it seems. If I've learned anything in the time Matt's been gone it's that the world does not stop turning and the most effective way to get the time to fly by is to just get on with life as usual (so that's not always as easy as it sounds, but there's nothing wrong with breaking down every now and then). And a month. I mean, come on. A MONTH.

It hurts me to know that we'll get to hang out a ton this month, but as soon as The Asshole gets home, she'll stop calling again. Matt always wonders why I'm so nice to her when she's always such a fairweather friend, calls only when she needs something, and I don't know. We've been best friends since we were 13 and I know I haven't by any means always been the greatest friend to HER. No one seems to be convinced, though, that she has any reason to treat me like shit. H has already told me that I should revoke Amanda's title as maid of honor and give it to HER. She didn't say it in so many words, of course, but it was heavily implied, and I know that she probably deserves it more because lately she has been the better friend, but I've already asked Amanda and therefore can't just take it away, can I? I know she can't nor do I expect Amanda to make my wedding her priority - I don't want ANY of my bridesmaids to feel that way, I don't want to be that kind of bride - but a returned phone call or an occasional girls' night other than when her boyfriend is out of town or they're on the fritz would mean so much. There's been a lot of times I've put Matt before my girlfriends - all girls are guilty of it, and Matt is the #1 in my life - but that's never prevented me from calling a girl back or being a friend. I think I put too much thought into this :-(

So now for the good news. I'm going to see Matt next week. I'm reluctant to get as excited over this as I was last time. I CAN'T even get as excited over it because some hurt part of me is still bent out of shape over the last let down and has completely inhibited my ability to get super excited, it tells me that if anything happens I don't ever want to feel what I felt last time Matt's leave got cancelled. This sounds good though. Really good. The commander who screwed up last time by having the wrong authorization is the same one who told them about THIS leave - unless this guy is a complete moron, I have my doubts that he would make the same mistake twice. Unless the army's aim is to lower morale as much as possible....Hell, I wouldn't put it past them. But nothing can stop me now. If Matt calls the night before I leave again to tell me his leave is getting cancelled, ain't nothing stopping me from getting on that plane to see my baby. Stupid army. Screw them for taking away my ability to feel excited.

This week is going to absolutely DRAG. I just want to go see my Matt. Is that really too much to ask? Things seem so distant when all we have is our phone conversations. I know we still love each other more than anything, and I think at some points in this deployment we'll feel so distant that feeling of love will be all we have; going to see him next week will help me a LOT. I know I'm going to absolutely flip out when I see him, I know once I'm actually ON the plane and that part of me that's holding back will finally accept that I really AM going to see my sweetie I won't be able to sit still for a single second, but until then, I'd rather play it safe and not fall in love with the plan. I can't wait to be reminded of how it feels to be in his arms and how elated I feel whenever I'm around him. I'm coming baby!! I don't think Godzilla could stop me now....

wishing matt was here @ 12:38 PM+

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