+Friday, February 18, 2005+

We're getting down to the wire here with Matt leaving...I'm starting to think that if he doesn't get leave, I'm going to fly down there anyway and spend time with him on the base when he gets done with the days' trainings. I don't know if I could handle going another 6 to 8 months without seeing him. I don't think I could handle him leaving for a foreign country without getting one more goodbye. But then again, if I don't get to see him, there's not much more I can do than grin and bare it. Such is the ways of the army.

My Valentine's day wasn't has miserable as I originally predicted. I got to talk to Matt in the morning, which would've been enough to keep me happy, so imagine my surprise when I got a dozen roses delivered to my office from him! He's such a wonderful man. I thank God every night for bringing him into my life (no, not just because he sent me a dozen roses on Valentine's day. Jeez, I'm not that shallow).

He didn't call me at all on Tuesday, and I'm so proud of myself for how well I coped. I was a little sad that I didn't get to hear his voice before going to bed on Tuesday, but for the most part, I sucked it up if only by continually telling myself that he had a perfectly good reason not to call. Besides, once he's over in Afghanistan, I'm going to have to get used to not hearing from him for long periods of time. When he called on Wednesday, he said he'd waited in line for the phone until 11 p.m. on Tuesday before he gave up so he could get some sleep. Understandable. My crying myself to sleep has gone from a nightly event to 2 or 3 nights a week; I've actually made it an entire day without feeling like someone has a vice on my heart. I miss him like nothing else, but I'm slowly starting to accept that this is my life for the next year, that there's nothing I can do to change the situation or make the year go by any faster.

I went out to dinner last night with another army fiance. Matt's gotten to be pretty good friends with this guy, and his fiance hadn't made it to any of the FRG meetings yet, so they gave me her email address and told me to get in touch with her (I think I mentioned this in an earlier post). After a few weeks of email and phone tag, we finally caught up and went to get a bite to eat together last night. She was a super sweet girl, but really young - she's only 18 and just out of high school. Oh, I know I myself was 18 just 4 (almost 5...my 23rd birthday is rolling around soon) years ago, but I can't help but feel so much older - 18 seems like a long time ago, my life seems like it was so different then. She brought along one of her friends with her, and I was asking her if she also went to UNR and she said, "No not yet. I'm still a senior in high school." Crimeney!!!

Nonetheless, it was nice to have someone to relate to. She (we'll call her K for now) seems to be taking this deployment extremely hard. I've moved past the denial, sadness, and anger stages and am starting to find my comfort zone in the stage of acceptance (though I think I still have a foot on the anger step). She still seems to be stuck somewhere between the stages of denial and sadness, so I gave her some pointers and ideas on things I've done to cope with Matt's absence. She seemed confused about how she should be feeling or coping, and I assured her that any way she's been feeling or coping is the right way as long as it works for her, that no one should tell her how she should feel.

I felt really good when I went home after dinner - it not only helped me to get to know another fiance from Matt's unit, but I got a good feeling in that I seemed to have helped HER a ton. The philanthropist in me rarely makes an appearance, but I feel good when I know I've helped alleviate a situation for someone...perhaps that's why I want to be a psychologist (that and my inherent obsession with the human mind). K gets to go to Ft. Sill this weekend, and I am insanely jealous. Her fiance (whom we'll call T so as to be in spirit of refering to people only by the first letter of their name) has "extenuating circumstances" because his grandfather is suffering from cancer, so since his grandparents are going down to visit him and he's getting leave for that, she's going along with them to see him. I've turned a surprising shade of green, but regardless, I'm happy for her. Since she'll undoubtedly meet Matt because he and T are friends, I told her to give him a hug for me and to please take a picture of him in his BDUs as I don't have any (brat won't give me any). If only that hug could actually be from ME :-(

An anchor from one of the local news stations has been down in Ft. Sill and yesterday and today the news station is airing a 2 part series about our unit which they've dubbed "Preparing for Battle." I made a spectacle of myself yesterday watching the program trying to see if maybe they got Matt on camera; I recorded it onto VHS and rewound this one particular part over and over again because I could've sworn one of the guys yelled, "You've got it Matt." Then I remembered this is the army and no one ever refers to anyone by their first name. Damn. Well, maybe I'll catch a glimpse of him on part two tonight!

My friend H is driving out to Reno to spend the weekend with me! She wasn't going to come because she lives about a two and a half hour drive away, but I talked her into it by telling her she could be my "date" for the weekend and we could go bowling and do other fun kiddie things LOL. We never used to be very close - I met her because she used to be my neighbor in my old apartment, and we kept in touch only a little when she moved back home, but lately we've been in touch more and become really good friends, and I'm so thankful to have someone like her around (God knows my friend Amanda has proven to be a pretty cold shoulder lately).

K and I (as in me...all this alphabet stuff is confusing me) are going to get together again when she gets back from Ft. Sill, and hopefully soon it'll be MY turn to go down there and see my man! Otherwise, I'll have to go into the base and threaten to start hearing voices in my head if they don't get me down to Oklahoma stat.

I love you and miss you, baby!



wishing matt was here @ 12:25 PM+
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