+Monday, February 14, 2005+
Valentine's Day. Whoo. Made even more awful by that constant nagging reminder that I should be with Matt right now, that I should be in Oklahoma for 2 more days, but nope. I'm still in dreary old Reno (okay, so Reno's probably better than Oklahoma City, but at least Oklahoma City would have Matt). I had a street side vendor rapping on my window yesterday with a bouquet of cheap roses. "You buy flowers?" No, dickhead. You shove them up your ass. Thanks for reminding me that I'm alone this Valentine's Day. Hahaha. I have some serious anger issues.

Matt called me at work this morning to wish me a happy Valentine's day. He's so sweet. It's like my friend H keeps telling me - I just need to remind myself that this is temporary, and I know. I know I can't spend the next year feeling sorry for myself, and I don't plan on it. I don't really understand why everyone's so worried about me. I feel I haven't given anyone reason to be, but if I cry, they think something's wrong, and if I don't they think something's wrong. If anyone's handling the situation poorly, it's not me. Can't I just miss my fiance without everyone thinking that my mental health is at stake? Jesus Christ. It was like the command meeting with Matt and expressing a concern about me because of this website. What the hell is wrong with people? Do I really come across as a danger to myself? I hate feeling like I'm trying to convince everyone that I'm okay while they're jotting down help hotlines for me.

What was once a wrenching in my heart is now just a consistent dull pain with an occasional wrench. Eventually those wrenches will go away, too, and then it's just a matter of waiting. The whole process of adjusting to life without Matt has been a slow one, but I don't doubt it would go by a lot faster if my friends quit handling me with kid gloves. H is the only who really seems to get it; she knows that Matt's not only my fiance, he's my best friend. I didn't just lose my lover for a year. I lost my confidante. (I'm really not trying to be sappy here.) But maybe for the hell of it, I should play along, go sit in a corner with a glazed over look in my eyes and communicate only by pen and paper. Oh, my God, she's finally lost it. ::sigh:: You idiots.

Jennifer was telling me a while back about wives who've threatened that they were going to kill themselves if their husbands didn't come home, and I think more than anything I'm offended that any of my family, friends, or (ahem) FRG members would think I'm anything like that. If they do, they are direly mistaken about the kind of woman I am. I'm proud as hell of Matt; I know he's a great soldier, that he is the quintessential American troop, and I'm not just saying that as a devoted fiance. I can share him with the army, but why am I suddenly being singled out as a "nut" because I miss him so much? Eh. I think they're just jealous of the relationship Matt and I have. Yeah, that's right. I said it. :-P

I got over not getting to go to Oklahoma relatively fast. I'll probably hold a grudge against the army for the rest of my life because I'm craaaazzy like that, but deep down I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew the army would let us down. The army's new motto: "Believe it when you see it." I didn't go to work on Friday for a couple reasons: I didn't sleep much on Thursday night, a three day weekend sounded mighty appealing, and I wanted to call into work and give everyone the opportunity to get the gossiping out of their systems so I wouldn't have to hear about it today.

The latter, of course, didn't work. A handful of people hooked into the grapevine with a permanent plug knew, but the rest stopped by my office wanting to know why I was at work today, wanting to, ugh, TALK about it. Here, let me pop the top off the salt shaker for you so you can just pour the whole thing into my open wound. OH! So THAT'S why people think I'm going insane, because I never want to TALK about it. A few people could tell by my "I don't want to talk about it" expression that I didn't want to talk about it (hey, go figure) and dropped the subject, but those select few morons who just don't get it and don't understand that I'm avoiding eye contact because I want them to go away still unfortunately exist and linger in my doorway craning their neck around like a freaking ostrich trying to catch my eye. I hate people who can't take a hint.

One of the guys from the unit Matt's unit is relieving in Afghanistan emailed me for the link to my blog. He said they've been keeping up with my story, and in some ways, I think it's pretty cool that that unit has been reading my blog. Unfortunately, I'm reluctant to give them the new link because of everything that happened - what if that's how the FRG ended up with the link to my blog and all their troublesome worries? Not to mention that I have said some pretty nasty things about the army and the FRG in this new blog, and were this blog to be found it would undoubtedly cause even more problems than the last one did. So what should I do? Should I give them the link or no? It's not because I don't want THEM reading it; I don't want it ending up being a problem again, I don't want Matt to be interrogated about it AGAIN. Thoughts? I wouldn't mind giving them the link if the FRG would come to ME about any problems they have, but it drains on me that I know they'd go to Matt first, just like they did last time. I suppose I shouldn't leave in fear of who'll find my site or I shouldn't even have it on the internet, it's just the silly FRG who seems to think I'm doing something wrong, though what exactly that is I don't know....

wishing matt was here @ 11:03 AM+

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *