+Saturday, February 12, 2005+
Well, as you all have probably gauged from my last 3 sentence post (where I misspelled "write" haha), I didn't go to Oklahoma to see Matt. I'm still unclear on exactly what happened as I'm still unclear on the ways of the army, but if this whole ordeal has taught me anything, it's that getting my hopes up isn't super smart. And I should've known that. I shouldn't have let myself get as excited as I did, but Matt called me on Wednesday night and said he had all the necessary signatures on his leave papers and that it was 100%, so both of us allowed ourselves to get excited and be giddy. I was so happy I was in tears. I didn't sleep for 2 nights; I was going to get to see my sweetie!

I had class till pretty late on Thursday night, so Matt called me at work that afternoon just to say hello, and the next time we'd be talking to each other, I'd be in Oklahoma!! I got home from class to a really depressed message from Matt that the whole company's leave had been cancelled. I was waiting for him to start cracking up and say, "Just kidding!" but really, I knew Matt wouldn't joke about this. I listened to the message over and over and over, absolutely bawling. How could they do this to us?? How could they tell us it was 100% and then do this??

Apparently their commander had given them leave without the correct authorization. He had the okay from those in charge in Afghanistan, but the people in charge in Afghanistan aren't in charge of these troops yet - the people at Ft. Sill are, and their commander didn't have authorization from Ft. Sill, which is where he needed it from. This leads me to believe that the command at Ft. Sill are a bunch of heartless bastards, but who am I to make assumptions? I'm sure they had their reasons.

A handful of guys had already left, so that dozen or so that was lucky enough to leave before the guys' passes were cancelled, get leave. The rest of the unit is sitting on their thumbs with moral lower than ever and facing the possibility that they won't get to see their families before they leave for Afghanistan. Matt even told me not to count on Germany for his R&R leave. I guess their commander is chest deep in shit - he really messed up by not getting the proper authorizaiton and has jeopardized not only the guys' chances of getting to see their families before they leave, but of getting to see their families throughout the duration of this deployment period.

As you can imagine, this has pissed off a great deal of people - soldiers in Matt's unit and their families alike. Especially those who spent hundreds of dollars on plane tickets that airlines are refusing to refund, and what of the guys who've already left? How fair is it that those few guys get leave because they happened to leave at the "right" time and the rest don't? A lot of people are writing senators. What sort of demons is this going to release? Don't get me wrong, I support our troops 110%, God love these men, but THIS. This is too much. How many times can I expect to get fucked over by the army in the coming months? Look at how much has happened just in the first month of Matt being gone! It's ridiculous.

All I ever hear at my FRG meetings, all I've ever heard from the army during the time Matt was in it, and even the stint of JROTC I did in high school (yes I was a nerd) is "morale this" and "morale that." Are they really so naive that they don't see how much they've lowered morale by cancelling this leave? How can they expect the guys to fulfill their mission in Afghanistan when they've successfully depressed the hell out of pretty much every single one of them? I'm really unimpressed with the way this gig is being run.

So it sounds like I won't get to see Matt before he leaves for Afghanistan. What Matt told me was not to expect to see him until this deployment is over (as in April or May of 2006). That's not to say I won't see him, but I think both of us are in the same boat of not wanting to get let down again the way we were this week. I don't think I've ever felt such highs and lows in the course of an hour as I did on Thursday night when I was literally skipping through the campus only to come home to a message from Matt that we wouldn't be seeing each other this weekend.

My sadness has faded away into just plain anger now. My parents and Matt's parents assure me that I'll "see Matt before he leaves." It's nice that they think they have control over it. I know they're just saying it to be nice because they really can't say it as a guarantee. The word "guarantee" is not a part of the vocabulary of the United States military. Honor, dignity, integrity, you betcha. Morale? Eh. I'm starting to think not so much. They apparently don't give a flying crap about how happy their soldiers are as long they're doing what they're being told to do. Morale is all hype. It's just a word they use excessively with the FRG to make the families feel better about the whole situation, but in reality, I'm thinking morale takes a back burner to a lot of other more "important" things.

I probably shouldn't be writing this blatantly, but you have to understand that I'm really pissed off right now. How can they continually tell the guys one thing and then do another? How can they be so nonchalant about screwing with so many people's emotions? I don't know how you active duty military wives do it. I'm a reservist's fiance, and I am already quite sick of what the military. What ever happened to "taking care of their own"?

Well, I'm off to do what I do best when I'm depressed - go shopping!!

wishing matt was here @ 11:41 AM+

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