+Thursday, February 24, 2005+
No further news on Matt's leave, but I'm perfectly satisfied with that. After all, no news is good news! He had yesterday off, so I not only got a wake up call from him, but we emailed back and forth all morning, and he called me at work. I love days when I get to talk to him a few times; he seems to be in much better spirits than he has been for the better part of his stint at Ft. Sill. I can tell he's so excited for me to come out there next week, and it makes me so happy to know that he needs this just as much as I do. More than anything, I think he's anxious to get to Afghanistan.

My mom came down to Reno last night to take me shopping after work (I know the real reason was to help keep me occupied as I count down the days till Monday, but she'd never admit that hahaha). When we were leaving the second store, my mom couldn't find her keys. She fished through her purse for a good 10 minutes to no avail, so I volunteered to go retrace our steps and see if they'd fallen out of a pocket somewhere. I knew I wouldn't find them. In fact, they were exactly where I knew they'd be - in the ignition locked inside the car.

Lately, I always try to find the best in a bad situation - at least I have since Matt left and everything became a "bad situation" - but locking keys in the car is something that has always cracked me up. I never get frustrated when I do it, and perhaps it's because I do it so often, but the irony of locking keys in the car strikes me as one of the funniest things ever. About a year and a half ago Matt locked his keys in his truck when we went to the Nevada State Fair. The window was rolled down just enough that we were able to stick a rake through it (yes, a rake...for some strange reason Matt happened to have a rake in the bed of his truck) and with the tongs of the rake pull the keys out of the ignition and through the window.

The adventure of getting the keys out of my mom's car wasn't nearly as fun. I crawled around underneath the car for a while looking for a magnetic hide-a-key that my mom insisted was under there before we gave up and called my dad to drive down to Reno with the spare. We ordered a pizza while we waited for my dad to make the hour long drive from Tahoe and then were able to commence with our shopping.

I heard about this story the other day - a man posing as an officer (even had a dress uniform) went to the door of a woman who's husband is deployed to Iraq and informed her that her husband was dead as a hoax. This pisses me off. This pisses me right the fuck off. Not only is it sick and disturbing that some dick would actually find HUMOR in this, but in my opinion, toying with the emotions of the wife of one of our troops fighting overseas, DEFENDING OUR COUNTRY, should be considered treason. That is seriously just fucked up. If you'd like, you can read the whole story
here. I hope this guy's karma catches up to him fast. I hope he gets run over by a semi when he's walking down the street one day, but instead of having the quick release of death, I hope that he's paralyzed and has to contemplate his disgusting idea of a joke for the rest of his miserable life.

I know the wife didn't fall for it - we're all given a briefing on the way casualty notification works - and this guy showing up with an improper uniform by himself didn't fool her, but that some asshole actually thought this up and thought it would be funny to falsely tell a wife of her husband's death makes me want to vomit. Deployment is a two-sided ordeal - at least two people's lives are greatly affect: the one at war, and the one(s) at home waiting, and to belittle the role of a military wife by doing something like this makes me so mad I can't even express my anger in words. This is every wife/fiance/girlfriend's biggest fear - to get that knock on their door and know that their lives are never going to be the same again. IT IS NOT A FUNNY FUCKING JOKE. It really deeply disturbs and upsets me that someone would do this.

In brighter news (I have to move on before I end up slamming my fist into my monitor), congratulations to
Jennifer and Karen on their hubbies coming home this week. I'm so happy for you guys making it through this year, and I can't wait till I'm in the same position and making Matt his welcome home banners. You are both such an inspiration to me and proof that I can make it through this year despite how far away that proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" seems. You both rock! Thank you so much for being a solace to me :-)

I probably won't be updating again until I get back from Ft. Sill (unless, of course, Matt's leave gets cancelled), but I'll have lots of pictures then and the status of my Hometown Hotties entry.

I love you so much, baby! I can't wait to see you! FOUR DAYS!!!!

wishing matt was here @ 11:15 AM+

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+Monday, February 21, 2005+
My weekend was uneventful and drab. H didn't end up coming out to Reno, so I was forced to spend the weekend all by my lonesome though she did call me at 2 in the morning on Sunday to let me know that she was drunk and that she loved me. My friends...what a bunch.

Much to my utter amazement Amanda called me on Saturday - I figured it must be because her and The Asshole had another fight or broke up again since those are the only times she calls me, and I was close in my assumption. She called me to tell me that for the next month she was "going to be alone, too." Her boyfriend is going away for 28 days to a drug and rehabilitation center in Arizona.

She thinks that things'll change once he's off the dope, but from what I know of him, I have a hard time believing that his life is that influenced by alcohol or drugs; in my short life I've dealt with many drug addicts and many alcoholics. Her boyfriend is only 21 and is a far cry from being even close in comparison to that which defines having a problem - going out and partying on the weekends and indulging occasionally in weed doesn't mean you have a problem. It means you're a college student. Perhaps a little therapy will help this "problem," but I don't think it'll prevent him from being a jerk. I know I'm just getting my feet wet in the field of psychology, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that drugs and alcohol are not the base of this guy's problems. I could diagnose him right now: partying college student, too immature for a really serious relationship. I bet 90% of us could've fit that description at one point in our lives. I love Amanda dearly, but I think this has gotten way out of hand. I think she just needs to accept that this isn't the right guy for her.

She called me up yesterday bawling her eyes out that she missed him so much and she doesn't know how I do this. I bit my tongue to bite the sarcasm that was ready to start rolling. This is my best friend, my maid of honor, and if she needs a shoulder to cry on, it's my duty to supply it regardless of how crappy a friend she's been or how atrocious it seems that she would call ME to cry about her boyfriend being gone for a measely month. She even apologized for her audacity, but I let her cry and assured her that the first week is by far the worst and that a month isn't really as long as it seems. If I've learned anything in the time Matt's been gone it's that the world does not stop turning and the most effective way to get the time to fly by is to just get on with life as usual (so that's not always as easy as it sounds, but there's nothing wrong with breaking down every now and then). And a month. I mean, come on. A MONTH.

It hurts me to know that we'll get to hang out a ton this month, but as soon as The Asshole gets home, she'll stop calling again. Matt always wonders why I'm so nice to her when she's always such a fairweather friend, calls only when she needs something, and I don't know. We've been best friends since we were 13 and I know I haven't by any means always been the greatest friend to HER. No one seems to be convinced, though, that she has any reason to treat me like shit. H has already told me that I should revoke Amanda's title as maid of honor and give it to HER. She didn't say it in so many words, of course, but it was heavily implied, and I know that she probably deserves it more because lately she has been the better friend, but I've already asked Amanda and therefore can't just take it away, can I? I know she can't nor do I expect Amanda to make my wedding her priority - I don't want ANY of my bridesmaids to feel that way, I don't want to be that kind of bride - but a returned phone call or an occasional girls' night other than when her boyfriend is out of town or they're on the fritz would mean so much. There's been a lot of times I've put Matt before my girlfriends - all girls are guilty of it, and Matt is the #1 in my life - but that's never prevented me from calling a girl back or being a friend. I think I put too much thought into this :-(

So now for the good news. I'm going to see Matt next week. I'm reluctant to get as excited over this as I was last time. I CAN'T even get as excited over it because some hurt part of me is still bent out of shape over the last let down and has completely inhibited my ability to get super excited, it tells me that if anything happens I don't ever want to feel what I felt last time Matt's leave got cancelled. This sounds good though. Really good. The commander who screwed up last time by having the wrong authorization is the same one who told them about THIS leave - unless this guy is a complete moron, I have my doubts that he would make the same mistake twice. Unless the army's aim is to lower morale as much as possible....Hell, I wouldn't put it past them. But nothing can stop me now. If Matt calls the night before I leave again to tell me his leave is getting cancelled, ain't nothing stopping me from getting on that plane to see my baby. Stupid army. Screw them for taking away my ability to feel excited.

This week is going to absolutely DRAG. I just want to go see my Matt. Is that really too much to ask? Things seem so distant when all we have is our phone conversations. I know we still love each other more than anything, and I think at some points in this deployment we'll feel so distant that feeling of love will be all we have; going to see him next week will help me a LOT. I know I'm going to absolutely flip out when I see him, I know once I'm actually ON the plane and that part of me that's holding back will finally accept that I really AM going to see my sweetie I won't be able to sit still for a single second, but until then, I'd rather play it safe and not fall in love with the plan. I can't wait to be reminded of how it feels to be in his arms and how elated I feel whenever I'm around him. I'm coming baby!! I don't think Godzilla could stop me now....

wishing matt was here @ 12:38 PM+

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+Friday, February 18, 2005+

We're getting down to the wire here with Matt leaving...I'm starting to think that if he doesn't get leave, I'm going to fly down there anyway and spend time with him on the base when he gets done with the days' trainings. I don't know if I could handle going another 6 to 8 months without seeing him. I don't think I could handle him leaving for a foreign country without getting one more goodbye. But then again, if I don't get to see him, there's not much more I can do than grin and bare it. Such is the ways of the army.

My Valentine's day wasn't has miserable as I originally predicted. I got to talk to Matt in the morning, which would've been enough to keep me happy, so imagine my surprise when I got a dozen roses delivered to my office from him! He's such a wonderful man. I thank God every night for bringing him into my life (no, not just because he sent me a dozen roses on Valentine's day. Jeez, I'm not that shallow).

He didn't call me at all on Tuesday, and I'm so proud of myself for how well I coped. I was a little sad that I didn't get to hear his voice before going to bed on Tuesday, but for the most part, I sucked it up if only by continually telling myself that he had a perfectly good reason not to call. Besides, once he's over in Afghanistan, I'm going to have to get used to not hearing from him for long periods of time. When he called on Wednesday, he said he'd waited in line for the phone until 11 p.m. on Tuesday before he gave up so he could get some sleep. Understandable. My crying myself to sleep has gone from a nightly event to 2 or 3 nights a week; I've actually made it an entire day without feeling like someone has a vice on my heart. I miss him like nothing else, but I'm slowly starting to accept that this is my life for the next year, that there's nothing I can do to change the situation or make the year go by any faster.

I went out to dinner last night with another army fiance. Matt's gotten to be pretty good friends with this guy, and his fiance hadn't made it to any of the FRG meetings yet, so they gave me her email address and told me to get in touch with her (I think I mentioned this in an earlier post). After a few weeks of email and phone tag, we finally caught up and went to get a bite to eat together last night. She was a super sweet girl, but really young - she's only 18 and just out of high school. Oh, I know I myself was 18 just 4 (almost 5...my 23rd birthday is rolling around soon) years ago, but I can't help but feel so much older - 18 seems like a long time ago, my life seems like it was so different then. She brought along one of her friends with her, and I was asking her if she also went to UNR and she said, "No not yet. I'm still a senior in high school." Crimeney!!!

Nonetheless, it was nice to have someone to relate to. She (we'll call her K for now) seems to be taking this deployment extremely hard. I've moved past the denial, sadness, and anger stages and am starting to find my comfort zone in the stage of acceptance (though I think I still have a foot on the anger step). She still seems to be stuck somewhere between the stages of denial and sadness, so I gave her some pointers and ideas on things I've done to cope with Matt's absence. She seemed confused about how she should be feeling or coping, and I assured her that any way she's been feeling or coping is the right way as long as it works for her, that no one should tell her how she should feel.

I felt really good when I went home after dinner - it not only helped me to get to know another fiance from Matt's unit, but I got a good feeling in that I seemed to have helped HER a ton. The philanthropist in me rarely makes an appearance, but I feel good when I know I've helped alleviate a situation for someone...perhaps that's why I want to be a psychologist (that and my inherent obsession with the human mind). K gets to go to Ft. Sill this weekend, and I am insanely jealous. Her fiance (whom we'll call T so as to be in spirit of refering to people only by the first letter of their name) has "extenuating circumstances" because his grandfather is suffering from cancer, so since his grandparents are going down to visit him and he's getting leave for that, she's going along with them to see him. I've turned a surprising shade of green, but regardless, I'm happy for her. Since she'll undoubtedly meet Matt because he and T are friends, I told her to give him a hug for me and to please take a picture of him in his BDUs as I don't have any (brat won't give me any). If only that hug could actually be from ME :-(

An anchor from one of the local news stations has been down in Ft. Sill and yesterday and today the news station is airing a 2 part series about our unit which they've dubbed "Preparing for Battle." I made a spectacle of myself yesterday watching the program trying to see if maybe they got Matt on camera; I recorded it onto VHS and rewound this one particular part over and over again because I could've sworn one of the guys yelled, "You've got it Matt." Then I remembered this is the army and no one ever refers to anyone by their first name. Damn. Well, maybe I'll catch a glimpse of him on part two tonight!

My friend H is driving out to Reno to spend the weekend with me! She wasn't going to come because she lives about a two and a half hour drive away, but I talked her into it by telling her she could be my "date" for the weekend and we could go bowling and do other fun kiddie things LOL. We never used to be very close - I met her because she used to be my neighbor in my old apartment, and we kept in touch only a little when she moved back home, but lately we've been in touch more and become really good friends, and I'm so thankful to have someone like her around (God knows my friend Amanda has proven to be a pretty cold shoulder lately).

K and I (as in me...all this alphabet stuff is confusing me) are going to get together again when she gets back from Ft. Sill, and hopefully soon it'll be MY turn to go down there and see my man! Otherwise, I'll have to go into the base and threaten to start hearing voices in my head if they don't get me down to Oklahoma stat.

I love you and miss you, baby!

wishing matt was here @ 12:25 PM+

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+Monday, February 14, 2005+
Valentine's Day. Whoo. Made even more awful by that constant nagging reminder that I should be with Matt right now, that I should be in Oklahoma for 2 more days, but nope. I'm still in dreary old Reno (okay, so Reno's probably better than Oklahoma City, but at least Oklahoma City would have Matt). I had a street side vendor rapping on my window yesterday with a bouquet of cheap roses. "You buy flowers?" No, dickhead. You shove them up your ass. Thanks for reminding me that I'm alone this Valentine's Day. Hahaha. I have some serious anger issues.

Matt called me at work this morning to wish me a happy Valentine's day. He's so sweet. It's like my friend H keeps telling me - I just need to remind myself that this is temporary, and I know. I know I can't spend the next year feeling sorry for myself, and I don't plan on it. I don't really understand why everyone's so worried about me. I feel I haven't given anyone reason to be, but if I cry, they think something's wrong, and if I don't they think something's wrong. If anyone's handling the situation poorly, it's not me. Can't I just miss my fiance without everyone thinking that my mental health is at stake? Jesus Christ. It was like the command meeting with Matt and expressing a concern about me because of this website. What the hell is wrong with people? Do I really come across as a danger to myself? I hate feeling like I'm trying to convince everyone that I'm okay while they're jotting down help hotlines for me.

What was once a wrenching in my heart is now just a consistent dull pain with an occasional wrench. Eventually those wrenches will go away, too, and then it's just a matter of waiting. The whole process of adjusting to life without Matt has been a slow one, but I don't doubt it would go by a lot faster if my friends quit handling me with kid gloves. H is the only who really seems to get it; she knows that Matt's not only my fiance, he's my best friend. I didn't just lose my lover for a year. I lost my confidante. (I'm really not trying to be sappy here.) But maybe for the hell of it, I should play along, go sit in a corner with a glazed over look in my eyes and communicate only by pen and paper. Oh, my God, she's finally lost it. ::sigh:: You idiots.

Jennifer was telling me a while back about wives who've threatened that they were going to kill themselves if their husbands didn't come home, and I think more than anything I'm offended that any of my family, friends, or (ahem) FRG members would think I'm anything like that. If they do, they are direly mistaken about the kind of woman I am. I'm proud as hell of Matt; I know he's a great soldier, that he is the quintessential American troop, and I'm not just saying that as a devoted fiance. I can share him with the army, but why am I suddenly being singled out as a "nut" because I miss him so much? Eh. I think they're just jealous of the relationship Matt and I have. Yeah, that's right. I said it. :-P

I got over not getting to go to Oklahoma relatively fast. I'll probably hold a grudge against the army for the rest of my life because I'm craaaazzy like that, but deep down I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew the army would let us down. The army's new motto: "Believe it when you see it." I didn't go to work on Friday for a couple reasons: I didn't sleep much on Thursday night, a three day weekend sounded mighty appealing, and I wanted to call into work and give everyone the opportunity to get the gossiping out of their systems so I wouldn't have to hear about it today.

The latter, of course, didn't work. A handful of people hooked into the grapevine with a permanent plug knew, but the rest stopped by my office wanting to know why I was at work today, wanting to, ugh, TALK about it. Here, let me pop the top off the salt shaker for you so you can just pour the whole thing into my open wound. OH! So THAT'S why people think I'm going insane, because I never want to TALK about it. A few people could tell by my "I don't want to talk about it" expression that I didn't want to talk about it (hey, go figure) and dropped the subject, but those select few morons who just don't get it and don't understand that I'm avoiding eye contact because I want them to go away still unfortunately exist and linger in my doorway craning their neck around like a freaking ostrich trying to catch my eye. I hate people who can't take a hint.

One of the guys from the unit Matt's unit is relieving in Afghanistan emailed me for the link to my blog. He said they've been keeping up with my story, and in some ways, I think it's pretty cool that that unit has been reading my blog. Unfortunately, I'm reluctant to give them the new link because of everything that happened - what if that's how the FRG ended up with the link to my blog and all their troublesome worries? Not to mention that I have said some pretty nasty things about the army and the FRG in this new blog, and were this blog to be found it would undoubtedly cause even more problems than the last one did. So what should I do? Should I give them the link or no? It's not because I don't want THEM reading it; I don't want it ending up being a problem again, I don't want Matt to be interrogated about it AGAIN. Thoughts? I wouldn't mind giving them the link if the FRG would come to ME about any problems they have, but it drains on me that I know they'd go to Matt first, just like they did last time. I suppose I shouldn't leave in fear of who'll find my site or I shouldn't even have it on the internet, it's just the silly FRG who seems to think I'm doing something wrong, though what exactly that is I don't know....

wishing matt was here @ 11:03 AM+

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+Saturday, February 12, 2005+
Well, as you all have probably gauged from my last 3 sentence post (where I misspelled "write" haha), I didn't go to Oklahoma to see Matt. I'm still unclear on exactly what happened as I'm still unclear on the ways of the army, but if this whole ordeal has taught me anything, it's that getting my hopes up isn't super smart. And I should've known that. I shouldn't have let myself get as excited as I did, but Matt called me on Wednesday night and said he had all the necessary signatures on his leave papers and that it was 100%, so both of us allowed ourselves to get excited and be giddy. I was so happy I was in tears. I didn't sleep for 2 nights; I was going to get to see my sweetie!

I had class till pretty late on Thursday night, so Matt called me at work that afternoon just to say hello, and the next time we'd be talking to each other, I'd be in Oklahoma!! I got home from class to a really depressed message from Matt that the whole company's leave had been cancelled. I was waiting for him to start cracking up and say, "Just kidding!" but really, I knew Matt wouldn't joke about this. I listened to the message over and over and over, absolutely bawling. How could they do this to us?? How could they tell us it was 100% and then do this??

Apparently their commander had given them leave without the correct authorization. He had the okay from those in charge in Afghanistan, but the people in charge in Afghanistan aren't in charge of these troops yet - the people at Ft. Sill are, and their commander didn't have authorization from Ft. Sill, which is where he needed it from. This leads me to believe that the command at Ft. Sill are a bunch of heartless bastards, but who am I to make assumptions? I'm sure they had their reasons.

A handful of guys had already left, so that dozen or so that was lucky enough to leave before the guys' passes were cancelled, get leave. The rest of the unit is sitting on their thumbs with moral lower than ever and facing the possibility that they won't get to see their families before they leave for Afghanistan. Matt even told me not to count on Germany for his R&R leave. I guess their commander is chest deep in shit - he really messed up by not getting the proper authorizaiton and has jeopardized not only the guys' chances of getting to see their families before they leave, but of getting to see their families throughout the duration of this deployment period.

As you can imagine, this has pissed off a great deal of people - soldiers in Matt's unit and their families alike. Especially those who spent hundreds of dollars on plane tickets that airlines are refusing to refund, and what of the guys who've already left? How fair is it that those few guys get leave because they happened to leave at the "right" time and the rest don't? A lot of people are writing senators. What sort of demons is this going to release? Don't get me wrong, I support our troops 110%, God love these men, but THIS. This is too much. How many times can I expect to get fucked over by the army in the coming months? Look at how much has happened just in the first month of Matt being gone! It's ridiculous.

All I ever hear at my FRG meetings, all I've ever heard from the army during the time Matt was in it, and even the stint of JROTC I did in high school (yes I was a nerd) is "morale this" and "morale that." Are they really so naive that they don't see how much they've lowered morale by cancelling this leave? How can they expect the guys to fulfill their mission in Afghanistan when they've successfully depressed the hell out of pretty much every single one of them? I'm really unimpressed with the way this gig is being run.

So it sounds like I won't get to see Matt before he leaves for Afghanistan. What Matt told me was not to expect to see him until this deployment is over (as in April or May of 2006). That's not to say I won't see him, but I think both of us are in the same boat of not wanting to get let down again the way we were this week. I don't think I've ever felt such highs and lows in the course of an hour as I did on Thursday night when I was literally skipping through the campus only to come home to a message from Matt that we wouldn't be seeing each other this weekend.

My sadness has faded away into just plain anger now. My parents and Matt's parents assure me that I'll "see Matt before he leaves." It's nice that they think they have control over it. I know they're just saying it to be nice because they really can't say it as a guarantee. The word "guarantee" is not a part of the vocabulary of the United States military. Honor, dignity, integrity, you betcha. Morale? Eh. I'm starting to think not so much. They apparently don't give a flying crap about how happy their soldiers are as long they're doing what they're being told to do. Morale is all hype. It's just a word they use excessively with the FRG to make the families feel better about the whole situation, but in reality, I'm thinking morale takes a back burner to a lot of other more "important" things.

I probably shouldn't be writing this blatantly, but you have to understand that I'm really pissed off right now. How can they continually tell the guys one thing and then do another? How can they be so nonchalant about screwing with so many people's emotions? I don't know how you active duty military wives do it. I'm a reservist's fiance, and I am already quite sick of what the military. What ever happened to "taking care of their own"?

Well, I'm off to do what I do best when I'm depressed - go shopping!!

wishing matt was here @ 11:41 AM+

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+Thursday, February 10, 2005+
I've been let down by the army before, but this is BY FAR the biggest let down. Too depressed to right now. I'll post more later.

wishing matt was here @ 9:38 PM+

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+Wednesday, February 09, 2005+
I didn't learn anything new at my FRG meeting - at least nothing I didn't already know. Our FRG leader didn't say anything to me about my blog because she wasn't even there! The whole meeting was ran by our RDC who told us they were uncertain of the dates the guys would get off IF they got any days off at all, and that if they were to send a plane out to pick up just the guys from Nevada it would invoke jealousy in the troops from Oregon and Washington blah blah blah.

I got to talk to Matt for a good long time yesterday. He had the day off, so we emailed back and forth for a while and talked on the phone for about an hour. What he'd told me was entirely different from what was laid out for us at the meeting - it sounded like each guy was getting a 4-day pass that they could put in for, and since I'm flying out there as opposed to Matt coming back here, it makes things a lot easier. He told me he was going to try and put in for his leave next weekend - President's Day weekend.

I was absolutely glowing all day yesterday. I was effervescent and cheery, I got more work done than I think I ever have in a day. Why SHOULDN'T I be happy? I got to talk to Matt for a good long while AND there's a possibility I'd get to see him next weekend! You can probably tell from the tone I'm writing in that I'm not going to see him next weekend. Okay, I can't drag this out anymore; I was trying to make it all mysterious, like give it a surprise ending, but I just can't do it anymore 'cause I'm too damn excited.

I GET TO SEE HIM THIS WEEKEND!!!!! WE GET TO SPEND VALENTINE'S DAY TOGETHER!!! I got home from class last night and had barely pulled my boots off when Matt called and said, "So baby, how's coming out to Oklahoma this weekend sound?" How's it sound? I'll tell you how it sounded - it sounded like me screaming my head off like one might do if they'd won the lottery. No sooner had I hung up the phone with Matt than I had his parents booking me a flight and my parents booking me a rental car - I have very loving in-laws and parents!

Okay, okay, so this is 95%, but with the army, 95% is good enough for me, and I wouldn't have booked plane tickets if Matt hadn't said, "Book 'em." Everything is totally refundable in the event that the army changes its mind like it so often likes to do, but hot damn!! I get to see my baby this weekend!! IN TWO FREAKING DAYS! The bad thing is after this I won't see him again until probably October or November, but nonetheless, here I was worrying that I might not get to see him at all before he left for Afghanistan and now I get to spend four full days with him! Words cannot express how happy I am, though I'm sure my fellow military wives know the feeling well ;-)

I could barely sleep last night. I was literally bouncing off walls after I got off the phone with Matt and had my flight and everything booked. The Roommate got to listen to my fast, excited, and somewhat incoherent babble for a good half hour before her boyfriend saved her, and I called a few friends so they could listen to my fast, excited, and somewhat incoherent babble. I know I probably won't be able to sleep tonight, and I definitely won't be able to sleep Thursday as my flight leaves early Friday morning. AHHH!! Thank you God! Thank you thank you thank you!

One of the soldiers at Ft. Sill in Matt's unit started a Yahoo! group for our FRG complete with pictures and everything. Matt's a dork and hasn't taken any pictures, so it was nice to be able to see some of what they're doing at Ft. Sill. I found this picture there, and drew a little arrow because I swear that's Matt. It has to be!! If it's not, well, then I feel silly.

I tried blowing the picture up in hopes that I could tell more, but that just distorted it. I know I know....I'm a little strange, but I'm dying so much to see him. I tried to get him to stand by the webcam they have on Ft. Sill's website yesterday since he had the day off, and he said he'd love to, but I'd have to tell him where it is. "By the flag pole" didn't cut it though because apparently there's a lot of flag poles at Ft. Sill. "By the beige building," "by something that looks like a cannon," and "by a parking lot" didn't prove to be much more of a help. He started cracking up when I said "by something that looks like a cannon." "Baby, Ft. Sill is an artillery base. There's a lot of things like cannons everywhere." Thanks Matt. Love ya.

Well, I probably won't be updating again until I get back from Ft. Sill next Wednesday :-) I'm all smiles right now! I'm in such a good mood that I get to go see my baby! Unless of course things fall through and I don't get to go. Grrrr. But that won't happen!!! It just can't!!

wishing matt was here @ 3:11 PM+

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+Monday, February 07, 2005+
I should be working right now. Working hard, too, as it were - just as soon as I get my inbox all cleared out, someone goes and stacks more paperwork in there. My desk is awry with "To-Do" post-its, and I've at least gotten so far as organizing things by priority, but I can't bring myself to do any of it. I'm so depressed today. Almost as bad as Day One. I just want to go curl up in a hole until Matt calls me; I'm at the point right now where I'm so bad I should probably request to go home early, but I know Matt has the day off and that he might call me at work. I'd hate to miss his call, and I know I can't just take days off work because I'm sad.

I didn't get to talk to him at all on Saturday and was actually quite proud of myself for how well I sucked it up. He called Sunday morning when I was getting ready to head over to my friend Amanda's to watch the Superbowl; apparently he'd gotten the flu on Saturday and was out all day throwing up. It wrenched my heart that he got sick and I couldn't be there to take care of him - I love to baby him when he's sick, and now he's on this wretched base away from home where there's nothing I can do about it.

The good news he brought on Sunday was that they had some tentative dates at the beginning of the March that they'd have off for families to come see them - not just a weekend, but FOUR days. WHOO!!!! I'm so happy about that, but I'm trying to avoid getting my hopes up out of fear that these dates will fall through like so often happens with the army. It's been hard to train myself not to get my hopes up. Matt told me he had the day off today and that we'd probably get to talk for most of the day, and here it is, only 1:30 in the afternoon, and I'm warding off tears because he hasn't called yet. I know something came up - he ended up not having the day off or whatever the case may be, but this is why I hate getting my hopes up. Nothing is ever sure with the army; I've found that most of the times I get my hopes up, I'm let down.

Our FRG meeting is tonight, so hopefully we'll get a little more light shed on the situation. I'm not about to book airline tickets unless someone hands me a concrete slab etched with the dates of their days off. Seriously. I'd hate for the army to get in any more jabs on my behalf. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I am now entirely convinced that my coworkers will be the death of me. They don't seem to get that I in no way find it funny to joke about how I feel about Matt's being gone. I was reluctant to leave for lunch today because I didn't want to miss Matt's call, yet I had to take a lunch break today so I could ship out my lovey CD and what not in order for Matt to get it by Valentine's Day.

As I was leaving, I stopped at the front desk to tell the receptionist (who is about in her 80s and very gabby) that if Matt called, he has very little time, and to please just tell him to call my cell phone. She says, "Oh, no sweetie, I think I'll just keep him on the line and say hello to him" and then starts making kissy faces. I know she means well, really I do. I know she's just trying to be funny and thinks she's lifting my spirits, but I just couldn't handle it today. I didn't have the patience nor was I in the mood, so instead of slamming my fist into this poor old lady's face like I really had the urge to do, I turned on my heel and ran out the door as fast as I could.

I was even more down in the dumps when I got back from lunch because my cell hadn't rang, so her jovial remarks had even more of an uplifting affect upon my return. Apparently she thought it would be a riot if she stopped by my office to let me know that Matt had called, and they'd had a really great conversation and that it had just "slipped her mind" to have him call my cell. Okay, not funny. Not. Funny. At all. I think this became crystal clear to her when I started crying over her thoughtless joke. Does no one understand that it really is the highlight of my day when he calls? I waved her away with my hand, a really rude gesture, I absolutely hate it when people do it to me, but it was all I could do. I was sobbing over the fact that I hadn't heard from him yet, and how she could possibly have even just an inkling that I would find that funny in any way. I didn't want her standing there watching me sob over her joke; God knows I didn't want her to feel BAD for me, but it couldn't hurt if she put a little more thought into the comments she makes to me. She had a bit of a shocked look on her face, and assured me that she was joking, that Matt really hadn't called, but by then that wasn't even the point.

I love my friends and family dearly, and my coworkers are great people, too (though I wouldn't go so far as saying I love them). I know they mean well when they tease me and ask if I'm okay or if I want to talk about it, and it's really difficult for me to explain that to them when all I seem to be able to do lately is snap at them. I know I seem painfully ungrateful when all I can do is make snide remarks that they have NO idea what I'm going through and to just leave me alone, but I really do appreciate how much they care for me.

To my friends and family and those of you who talk to me occasionally in hopes of cheering me up (with the exception of my military wives because I know if I ever do any of these with you, you really will understand why), please allow me to give you a few pointers on handling the many moods this deployment has brought me.

First of all, please please PLEASE don't take it personally when I snap at you, tell you that you have no idea how I feel, that you couldn't possibly console me, etc etc. I love that you think you can help me and it's really sweet of you to show concern for my wellbeing and follow up on "how I'm doing," but the truth of the matter is, it doesn't help. I don't say it to be a bitch, but unless you've had to endure the most important person in your life going away for a long ass time into a war zone where there's people who want to kill him, you really don't know what I'm going through. Though you may know what it's like to be lonely and really miss someone and have your heart ache endlessly when you go home to house devoid of the one you love, fall asleep every night in an empty bed, and wake up alone, I really don't want to hear about it. I'm sorry, I know those of you who do this mean well, but I really don't want your empathy. The only people I care to have empathize with me are other military wives. I don't do this to exclude you from my life; I do it to avoid saying awful moody things that will make me seem like a horrid ungrateful bitch and will inevitably hurt your feelings (they've hurt everyone's feelings so far). Please don't take it personally, and I do find it reassuring that you care so much about me.

As for "how I'm doing," here's my generic answer so you can avoid ever having to ask this question again (and therefore help me avoid the temptation to say, "How the hell do you think I'm doing?"): I'm sad. I miss Matt a whole hell of a lot. I cry a lot, and most of the time when I seem happy it's because I'm just being strong for Matt. I have good days and bad and as for "how I'm doing," well, I'm getting along.

Second, when I'm crying and you want to console me (this is mainly for those friends who often stumble upon me when I'm crying or call me at inopportune times), if I say I just need to be alone to cry it out, it means I just need to be alone to cry it out. Don't ask me what's wrong. Please. You know what's wrong. Sometimes talking about it only makes it worse; sometimes I really do just want to sob my heart out and feel sorry for myself. If you really want to help, the best thing you can do is just walk away. Don't tell me that "talking about it" will make me feel better. Don't tell me that I'm "balling up my feelings" by not talking about it. Please don't dictate to me what you qualify as "emotionally unhealthy." Please. Just don't. I'm grieving in my own personal way, and though it may seem stand-offish that I just want to be left alone to cry, I assure you this is the best thing for ME. When I want to talk about it, when I need to have that interaction, I'll come seek you out, but if I'm sitting alone crying, it's becasue I want to be sitting alone crying.

Last but most certainly not least, I am not "too" depressed. My mental wellbeing is not "unstable." It's terribly offensive to me that anyone would even think this, and I hardly see how any one of my friends has the qualifications to comment on my mental stability. Just because I cry a lot and am sad a good deal of the time does not mean I need to get help. It means I miss my fiance!! Please don't ever tell me to get over it, move on, quit dwelling, or anything similar. Don't make fun of me for how excited I get when Matt calls, and don't roll your eyes at me when I put everything else on hold because he calls. I don't find it funny in any way to joke about when and if he calls, so please just avoid being deragatory in anyway over my behavior when Matt calls - it really is the highlight of my day, and I fail to see how that's funny.

Please know that I DO appreciate your love and support though at times it might not appear that way. I know a lot of this will come across as selfish and rude, but really I'm writing this out for you, my friends and family, so you can avoid getting your feelings hurt over something I said in a moody moment because I do feel awful when I say mean things.

In other, brighter news, I've got
Cherry from the Web Diva's who's going to start whipping up a new look for my blog soon, so keep your eye out for a new and improved look within the coming weeks. I'm excited about it, and I figured it would be well worth it to get a snazzy look for my blog. I'll update hopefully tomorrow if I find out anything at my FRG meeting.

wishing matt was here @ 3:18 PM+

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